Be Your Own Beloved #20

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a week or more, but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Taking Self-Portraits in a Public Space

Seventeen days later... I bet you thought I'd given up on this project, didn't you? To be perfectly frank, I think some part of me thought I had given up to. The next assignment for this self-portrait project is to document a moment in which we leave our comfort zones. Throughout this project, I have been pushing my boundaries and doing things that scare me, so when I came to this assignment, I felt totally paralyzed. You mean I have to do something even more scarier? I was completely stumped. In the meantime, I did parade around as Lady Pope in downtown San Francisco, but ironically, that was not that scary for me. When I'm in costume, I'm virtually unshakable.

Last night, my husband surprised me with a nice dinner at a new restaurant called Backyard, in Forestville, CA. We've been experiencing some almost-rain clouds for a few days and the light has been gorgeous for picture-taking. I had also recently been a big shopping trip with one of my "Fatshionista" heroes and had gotten some really amazing new outfits at some ridiculously low prices. As a fat woman, I am really empowered when I see other fat people rocking their own unique style and I have been wanting to document my outfits more to add to that wonderful, empowering world.

Wooden bark platter of pickled yummies at Backyard!

Next to the restaurant was a little corner market with this wonderful mural on the side (I just love "Where the River Meets the Redwoods" - that's where I live and I love it!). "Perfect," I thought. "We can take my outfit picture here!" As my husband starting taking pictures, I noticed that a lot of people had stopped to look at us. Did we look like stupid tourists? Did they wonder why anyone would want to take a picture of a fat lady in front of an old mural? I started to feel extremely self-conscious. And then I realized, "Hey! I'm fulfilling my next self-portrait assignment! I am totally out of my comfort zone, right now!"

I love that you can see the nervousness in my face and yet you can also see that I am fully committed to taking these photos, being seen, and enjoying it, to the best of my ability. I was surprised to see that the vulnerability in this picture makes it even more beautiful!

And for my fellow Fatshionistas, here are the details of my outfit!

Top - Beverly Drive (a Sear's outlet score at $3!)
Skirt - Sejour (Nordstrom Rack score at $15!)
Leggings - Domino Dollhouse (Some of the best leggings for big-legged ladies!)
Boots - Harley Davidson (scored them BRAND NEW at a yard sale for $30!)
Purse - Simply Vera by Vera Wang (scored at Kohls for half-off, just $50!)

Lady Pope Giggles the Trillionth

We are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program to bring you breaking news: the new Lady Pope had her debut in San Francisco on March 16, 2013, to coincide with the San Francisco celebration, Beware the Brides of March.

Lady Pope Giggles the Trillionth

Pope Lady Giggles was on hand to bless the brides, have Interfaith dialogue with her fellow spiritual leaders, and gift blessings of revolutionary creativity and magic on anyone who would listen. Great fun was had by all.

Back in my early 20's, I developed a character called the Rev. Miss Myrtle Motivation. She would show up at rock shows and local events around San Francisco and would preach the world of love and creativity. Embracing her as a part of myself, lead me to embrace my true path as an Interfaith Minister and it lead me to going to seminary and being ordained at the Chaplaincy Institute for Art & Interfaith Ministry. After that, I became a "real minister" and I started to lose track of the wild, creative, passionate street preacher I once was.

Interfaith Brides of Marchin'

When I decided to become Lady Pope for a day and walk the streets of San Francisco with my fellow revelers, I had my own revelation - I need to return to my creative, wild street preaching roots. I loved being out on the streets and giving blessings to those who asked for it and taking photos with Japanese tourists. It was so fun to connect with so many strangers and remind them that their spirituality can look however they want it to look.

I think it is RIDICULOUS that we have not yet had a female Pope (except for Pope Joan!). I have been a spiritual leader for over a decade and have worked with amazing women from so many different faith traditions - for anyone to say that a woman cannot lead because of the sex she was born with is completely ridiculous.

My 6'9" husband in his hand-made wedding dress.

With my own Lady Pope costume, I wanted to bring in the Goddess and all her ancient influences on the Catholic church (of which there are many!). It would have been great to have some snakes around me, since it was also St. Patrick's Day and the "banishing of snakes" is absolutely about the "banishing" of the female spiritual power. The oldest Goddess religions of Europe figured snakes prominently and so many important spiritually-empowered stories about women and their power were lost forever:

The myth surrounding St. Patrick's fame runs along the lines of his banishing of snakes from the island nation. However, snakes have never called the emerald isle home. It is an often-misunderstood metaphor for the Irish patron saint driving out the pagans. Serpent symbols were often worshiped by pagans, such as the Druids at Tara, who St. Patrick is said to have baptized.

So what does this all mean for me? Only time will tell. I'm going to keep listening and honoring my deep, playful, spiritual, creative spirit. It is a journey!

Be Your Own Beloved #19

This is my 100th Post! Yay!

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a week or more, but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Crafting my "Lady Pope" costume for the Brides of March 2013

For our next assignment Vivienne asked us to capture ourselves savoring a moment. I imagined I would capture myself laying in the grass with the sun on my face, or reading my favorite book (I'm deep into the A Song of Ice and Fire series, y'all!), or snorgling my kitty's furry belly, or eating my favorite gluten-free sundae. But I just couldn't seem to find the time to capture those moments. I certainly had them, but the desire to capture them on "film" just wasn't there.

Fast-forward to today - Some background information: my husband and I will be participating in the Brides of March, this Saturday in San Francisco. My husband had an amazing wedding dress made (he's such a girl!), but I was stumped about what I wanted to wear. I have no interest in wearing a wedding dress. I toyed with the idea of being my husband's "groom" but then I realized - I WANT TO GO AS A LADY POPE!

My husband in his new wedding dress -
you can't see his big, frothy beard, but it's there!

I've always been fascinated with the Pope, which I believe comes from me being a little hippie, interfaith child watching Father Guido Sarducci on TV. Add the fact that the Catholic Cardinals literally chose a new pope TODAY. Then sprinkle it with the fact that I am an ordained Interfaith Minister and have held a spiritual leadership role for over 10 years, and the result is a deep desire to become "the Lady Pope" for one day. (Extra credit: Learn about Pope Joan, the first and only [secret] Female Pope in history!)

So, with the hopes of crafting a beautiful Lady Pope ensemble, we hit our favorite local costume store, Disguise the Limit (great name, right?) and the smart ladies there helped us put something together for less than $50. I was so excited to try on my new Pope hat, I was literally bouncing off the walls! And that's when it hit me. This is my moment! Savoring moments doesn't have to be calm and quiet and serene - they can be bawdy and loud and fun. And I think this photo captures this moment perfectly - it's fierce and weird and silly and most importantly, happy.

Be Your Own Beloved #18

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a week or more, but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Shadow with Wings on Gravel

For today's assignment, we were asked to take a picture of our shadow. I got really excited about this theme, because I have never really explored the idea of taking a picture of JUST my shadow. I had an AMAZING time taking these photos. It was so fun! I pulled out lots of interestingly shaped & textured props and took lots and lots of photos. I have a pair of small, white wings a friend gave me, and they ended up being the perfect prop for this. There are so many pictures that I loved, it was hard to pick just one.

I also took this at about 1pm today, so my shadow is quite squat and fat. I had the intention to wait until later in the day, because I wanted my shadow to be long and lean, but I just couldn't wait and thinking about yesterday's post, I think it's good that my shadow looks so big and round.

Algerian Cave Painting

When I looked at all my finished photos, I was struck by how many of them looked like cave paintings, due in part, to the wonderful gravel texture of my front yard. I studied anthropology in university and have been to many ancient goddess sites, so this was an exciting outcome to today's assignment! I feel a connection to those ancient artists. I love how there has been art since the beginning of homo sapien life (and even earlier!). I love that art was second only to hunting and getting enough food - it was a necessity back then, just as it is now (at least to me!).  

Be Your Own Beloved #17

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a week or more, but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Taking Up Space with Strength in My Big Body

The next assignment is about taking up space. Just like the last assignment, this sent me on a whirlwind of thoughts of feelings. As a big woman I have always been hyper-conscious of how much space I take up. We live in a culture that STILL wants to punish women for being big, for being powerful and for taking up space, both physically and energetically. It's amazing to me how threatened strangers are on the street when I walk by. I'm often wearing something bright and festive and I often have a smile on my face. Some people see this act of "being happy while fat" as a threat to their very existence  - "A woman can be that large and happy too? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR ME?" I've had strangers tell me I "shouldn't wear" what I'm wearing. I've had cars full of boys scream horrible things at me as I walk. I've had groups of girls comment on what I'm wearing and laugh as I walk by. Sometimes it's exhausting to be a walking, revolutionary statement, but after 40 years, I'm used to it.

I had so many ideas for today's theme, many of which included me being out in the world and taking up space in places where I have felt "too big." There's a restaurant that has tiny chairs and tables that I don't fit in. There is a store, whose aisles I can barely walk down, because they are so narrow. And I won't even begin to talk about airline seats! But when I arrived at some of these places to take some self-portraits, I ended up feeling tight and cramped and sad. I was reminded over and over I am "too big" for so many small spaces in the world and the self-portraits I took felt strange and forced. I realized that I needed to come more from a place of celebration and not necessarily of political activism. But what does that look like? How do I celebrate how my body takes up space?

Flexing for the Camera!

As many of you know, I am a weightlifter. It's been an amazing journey to find my way back to loving my large body and really being present in it and weightlifting has played a big role in that. As I lift heavier and heavier weights, I become stronger and as a result, I build muscle. This means that my body has been changing. My body has gotten "bigger" in some ways, while also getting tighter, curvier and smaller in other ways. For someone who has grown up being afraid of her body, afraid of her strength and afraid of her power, this has been an amazing journey for me.

I have lots of great talks with my teammates, in between lifting (at the wonderful, totally size-positive Myles Ahead Fitness - if you are ever in Northern California, come visit!). Yesterday, our conversation shifted to a terrible article some random male personal trainer had recently published about "weight-training for women" that had gotten everyone riled up. I'm not going to link to it here, because I do not want to give that man any web traffic. In this article, he talked about how women can get "bulky shoulders and traps" and how that "wasn't attractive" and that personal trainers needed to "be careful" that they didn't "bulk up" their female clients. Again, we see the fear of women taking up too much space and being too strong. When I shared this article with my coach, he just laughed and shook his head and said "What an idiot." Needless to say, I adore my coach!

Here's Me Using my Strong Arms and Shoulders to Snatch 40 kilos (88 lbs.)

My weightlifting team is incredibly diverse, in body type, age, and gender. Yesterday, I was sitting with two of the strongest members of my team, a man and a woman in their early 20's and both of them were decrying this ridiculous article. Our conversation reminded me of something that had happened the night before - I was getting ready for bed and my husband said suddenly "look at those shoulders!" Now, he meant it in the most positive way. My husband loves my strong, big body and I know that completely. And yet, my first reaction was fear and shame. "Oh no! Am I getting too bulky?" Even now, I still have that secret, dark voice inside me that says "big is bad."

So back in the gym, as I heard these two lifters, whom I admire so much, talking about how fantastic it is for women to be strong and have big shoulders and big traps and lift big weights I felt a light joy spread through my body. I realized, THIS IS HOW I TAKE UP SPACE - by loving my body and pushing it and helping it get stronger and embracing the way it changes. When I returned home from the gym, I asked my husband to take pictures of me and my big shoulders and large arms, as I took up as much space as I could in the frame. I love how these pictures came out! It was also hilarious to be flexing like some kind of body builder while my husband snapped pictures! I know he enjoyed it!

I really love how this project continues to push me and take me to new places. I'm having so much fun!

Be Your Own Beloved #16

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

I Am a Part of a Bigger Story

The next assignment in this course asked us to capture a photo in which we show how we are part of a bigger story. This completely froze me. Through a lot of processing and thinking and feeling, I came to realize that this is THE question for me. What is the bigger story and how do I fit into it? I even took the question to my therapist, since it was completely stopping me from continuing with this self-portrait process and she laughed and laughed. "Only you would turn a sweet, simple art assignment into an existential crisis!" She and I have a great relationship and one of the reasons is that she can give me this kind of tough love and we can laugh through it.

And yet I still struggled with "my answer" for a few more days. Then, last night, my husband and I went out to dinner and we talked for hours about where are in our lives and the current challenges we are facing. My husband remarked, as he often does, about how I can be such a wonderful light when everything seems really dark and then it hit me! THAT is my role in "the bigger story". I have always been shining my light into the darkest places, in both my own psyche as well as others. I try to live a life of empowerment and delight but I am not afraid of the darkest corners. I know, in fact, that the darkest places are where the best treasures hide.

Playing with filters and the heart landed perfectly on my face!

So as we took a walk after our meal, I looked around for a dark corner that had one, beaming cast of light. I found it almost immediately in front of an old, abandoned carpet factory. My husband took a few shots of me and I had my "answer" to this day's question.

I like how I look a bit hesitant (in the first picture), yet willing to search and seek and be present. And I love how Vivienne's daily prompts are taking me on such a wonderful, intense, powerful journey! I am committed to finishing all 28 portraits of this project, and I'm giving myself as much time as I need to do so. That feels so empowering and essential.