Saturday, August 11, 2012

I am a Stained Glass Window

Dogwood Flowers in Stained Glass
get the pattern to make your own
As I continue to heal myself, I am realizing that the broken parts - the wounds - will never entirely and completely heal. Just as a leg that has broken, even if it is re-set perfectly, will still bear the scars of the original break, so will my original wounds peek out at the most inconvenient moments, reminding me of my personal mythology and my heartbreak. And when those breaks happen when we are so very young and so unprepared, those breaks go deep into the cores of our souls. They thread through me like my veins and the sinews of my muscles.

I recently read a blog post that angered me greatly. It was written by your typical New Age, self-help guru (which I have nothing against, by the way) but in it, she essentially was telling everyone to JUST GET OVER IT and move on with their lives. "Do your healing and move on," she said. I'm not going to link to the post here, because I really have no interest in bringing bad juju to her site. I could see by the comments on her post that her words resonated with many people. And her words tie nicely into our "get over it" culture. We are all positive thinkers who can "heal ourselves" with positive thoughts. But as a friend of my once said, "that's a load of BULLSHIT!" Don't you dare tell me to get over my hurt because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Don't' you dare tell me that I won't be "healed" until I am "over" my hurt. I will never be over my pain. All I can do is care for myself the best possible way I can, get help to re-set my broken bones and start walking again. But I will never "erase" my pain. It is part of what made me the person I am today.

In all fairness, I think in this particular post, the author was referring to those that are stuck in their "victim" stories - those who never seem to "get over" their story and cling to being broken and hurt and un-healable, like a warm, wet blanket. I know these people. They tend to have fierce addictions. They tend to be afraid to make new choices in their life. And those folks deserve respect and kindness, just like those who ignore their wounds and charge ahead screaming to anyone who will listen, I'M FINE! I HAD A GREAT CHILDHOOD. Both are wearing blinders and are missing a great deal of healing, but that's their path. We are all doing the best we can.

Beautiful stained glass from Cosmovitral,
a stained glass mural and botanical garden
located in Toluca, Mexico.
The building was created by Leopoldo Flores.
So what is the path that both honors the wounds and yet strives for healing? And far more importantly, what is MY PATH of healing?

This question brought me a vision:  I saw myself as a big pile of broken shards of glass that over the years, through my own self-healing and care I had slowly soldered together into a radiant stained glass. I both receive and emanate light through my brokenness. I shine beauty onto the eye of the beholder, and yet I am also a series of broken shards of glass. I AM BOTH. I am far more dynamic than a sheet of boring, one-colored, one-textured glass. I am a kaleidoscope of passion and beauty and brokenness and torn flesh and laughter. And I would never have seen the beauty in myself, without those broken shards.

I will never, EVER stop my healing journey AND I will always honor the brokenness of my self. I will nurse and care for my wounds AND I will challenge myself and seek new levels of healing. This is my journey.

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