Surviving Year Two: Week 46

Sinking

This is Week 46 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

I am sinking into the earth. I want to let it consume me — let it strip away all the dead parts of my body and turn me into something new.

These last few weeks have been extremely difficult. I miss being excited and hopeful. I miss looking forward to things. I keep trying to think of things to be excited about, but nothing seems to penetrate my depressed darkness. My art making leaves me feeling empty. I go to parties and smile and laugh, but it's like there is a giant hole in my heart and I know that nothing can fill it. I feel like an addict that has no addiction. This giant hole in my heart just exists. I just exist. I feel like a shell of who I once was and I don't know how to re-build.

Those older widows were right. Year Two is 1,000 times harder than Year One. And I hear Year Three is even worse. I can't imagine hurting more than this, but I guess I have to get ready for more. How do we survive this kind of heartbreak as humans? I know so many strong widows, who have re-built their lives and have found joy again. What if I can't do that? What if I am just too broken? What then?

My dreams tell me to keep making art, no matter what. Even when it feels hollow and empty and meaningless — keep creating. So that is what I will do and I will try to find some tiny pebbles of hope on the path and put them in my pocket.

Thanks for witnessing me. See you next week.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 128

Feeling Grief & Compassion for the World

This is Day 128 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

I haven't talked a lot about the greater grief that falls down on those in personal grief, but today I must. I woke up this morning to hear of the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history. When I am already living under a veil of despair and grief, and news of something this horrendous falls across my already heavy shoulders, it feels unbearable. Why is there so much hate and fear in our country? How does one man decide that he has the right to slaughter an entire nightclub full of happy, vibrant, dancing people? So many precious lives were ended before their time last night. I don't claim to know what the survivors, and families of the survivors feel — I can only go more deeply into my own grief. I am already mourning and now my mourning includes the heartbreak of this tremendous loss.

I actually created today's image quite awhile ago, but never used it until today. There is compassion in this image. There is a red, beating heart, despite being shot through with an arrow. There is even a voluptuous pregnancy feeling of new things to be birthed. Today I am reminded so much of the morning of 9/11, when we all awakened to such deep brutality and inhumanity.

My 9/11 dream is included in this excellent book.

When I was in Brooklyn, NY the night after 9/11, I had this dream:

I am walking through a forest that has been chopped down. It is a sea of stumps. Every single tree has been cut down. I stand in the middle, sobbing. Who could do this? I walk up to one of the stumps and see the huge, beautiful spiral inside. I get lost in its magnificence. These trees are so old. I can see all of history in these trees, and I'm struck with the beauty and power of seeing this part of the tree. It's a part of the tree that I never would have seen, if it was not chopped down. This spiral is taking me so deeply down into myself — to a place so ancient and so powerful, it overwhelms me. 

Destruction brings Creation. Grief brings Compassion. Brutal Deaths bring Awakening Consciousness. There is no "reason" for this brutality to happen — I am not saying that "everything happens for a reason." Any widow will tell you how useless that statement is. What I am saying, is that we live in a brutal world that is also full of beauty and strength. We must continue to grieve. We must continue to heal. We must continue to fight ignorance and fear. We must stop letting mass murder be an answer to our problems. We must remember that violence and chaos has been a part of our world since the beginning of life. We must remember that compassion and love can heal.

I don't have any answers. I only know grief and the glimmers of hope and love that pull me out of my grief, even for a moment. I am crying, today. I am holding on to hope, today.

___________________________________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Filmmaker Gemma Green Hope made a short animation in memory of her grandmother 
• Photographer Sarah Treanor Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Open to Hope: Finding Hope After Loss
• Widowed Village
• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• How Grief Can Make You Sick
• What's Your Grief?
• The Grief Geek
• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• The writings of Tim Lawrence
• The Rules of Grief are for Other People by Shawn Doyle on The Good Men Project
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing
• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit
• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief
• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Losses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine
• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times
• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 72

Staring Into the Emptiness

This is Day 72 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

I'm finally remembering my dreams again. I've been "dream traveling" through a spiral cave, much like the Ħal Saflieni Hypogeum in Malta, which is believed to be the oldest prehistoric underground temple in the world. I was lucky enough to visit the Hypogeum when I was a teenager, and there truly are no words to explain the energy, power and deep spiritual history of that place. It is the most ancient of Goddess sites, honoring the art and creativity of the death journey.

Every time I dream of my own spiral death cave, I visit a deeper layer and meet different people and entities. Some seem to be humans in grief, like myself - going through their personal spiral journey of sorrow. Some seem to live in this cave, either by force or by choice. Some seem to be more energetic, spirit entities, appearing and disappearing. It is dark, with only candles and oil lamps to light our way. Sometimes it is moist and wet and there is actual plant life growing, deep under the earth. Sometimes it is dry and dusty. I know it is an honor to be in this place, and I mostly walk wide-eyed and in awe of all I am seeing and feeling.

There are paintings and carvings on the walls, but I can't always see them because it is so dark or my tears are making my eyes blurry. It's quite crowded, which is interesting. You would think being in a spiral cave of sorrow would be a solitary journey, but I'm often jostled by the amount of people, entities and animals roaming about. I wake up from these dreams realizing that while in waking life, I feel the most alone I have ever felt in my life, in the dream world I am surrounded by presences whom are all participating in some aspect of the sorrow journey, be it as a helper, a sentinel, or a participant.

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Widowed Village
• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 52

The Red Wet Wound of Grief

This is Day 52 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

Last night I dreamed that my husband was alive. I didn't actually see him, or talk to him, but I felt him with me, the way I would always feel his presence in the house, even if I was in another room. When I woke up, I listened for him rattling around in the kitchen. He always got up much earlier than I did, and would do his best to quietly make coffee and his breakfast, only to drop something, or let the kettle whistle or slam a cupboard too hard. He was a bear of a man, and bears live big and loud as soon as they wake up. While his loud mornings drove me crazy, there was also a comfort in hearing him foraging around in the kitchen.

As I slowly became more awake, I finally realized that not only was my husband not in the kitchen, he's not actually alive anymore and it broke my heart all over again. It feels like this grief is a red, wet wound that never seems to heal. Just when I think there's enough scar tissue, and I might be okay, I get gut-punched with grief. I felt his presence - his essence - so deeply in my dream, how could he not be here? How can I be all alone in this house that we shared? Why does it hurt just as much as it did that first week? Will I ever feel stronger? Will I ever feel the comfort of sharing my home with someone I love again? Or is this just the first few months of a long life of solitude and loneliness?

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Making Art with Dreams

A page from my Dream Art Journal

Making art with your dreams can be a really interesting way to step out of your analytical mind and work with a dream in a more visceral way.

Here are a few ways you can do work with your dreams through creativity, making and art:

COLLAGE

• cut out images from magazines and other materials that remind you of the dream (remember you don't have to find literal images from your dream, just pictures that remind you of the dream or make you feel similar feelings to the dream)
• collage these images on paper, poster board, postcards, playing cards, index cards or anything else
• make a series of these collages related to one dream, or a series of dreams that feel connected
• take it one step further and give the collaged postcards to a friend and ask them to mail the cards back to you at a time of their choosing

POETRY

• write down the dream
• circle important/emotional words
• write a poem or haiku using those words
• take it one step further by making a book of dream poetry and read it at your local open mic night

A card from my Dream Collage Deck -
this one is called "Guide to Lost Souls"

MASK-MAKING

• choose a scary or confusing dream character
• use a paper plate or cut a paper circle
• collage, paint and/or glue objects onto it
• cut out eye holes (or not!)
• configure the mask so you can wear it
• wear the mask and embody the dream character
• write down what you feel after embodying your scary or confusing dream character
• take it one step further and ask a trusted friend to join you in re-enacting the dream and have them ask you questions about your charcter

PAINTING/DRAWING

• focus on one color or image from your dream
• learn everything you want to learn about that color or image
• paint/draw it several times in several ways
• pay attention to how that color or image shows up in your life
• take it one step further and have a conversation with your painting/drawing - answer all your questions with another painting/drawing

If you do any of these processes, let me know. I'd love to hear about it!

Ambassador of Soul

Sometimes I wake from a dream laughing and those are probably some of my most favorite moments, ever. This morning I awoke having spent the evening/night dreamtime with none other than The Funky President, The Godfather of Soul, Soul Brother # 1, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, Mr. Dynamite, The Ambassador of Soul himself, Mr. James Brown.

The dream was quite calm and mellow, considering who I was hanging out with. I was at a rooftop warehouse party with a bunch of folks and I look over at a picnic bench, and there is Mr. Brown, just hanging out with a beer. I go over and greet him and he greets me back by name. "You remember me!" I joyfully say. (Apparently he and I have met before?) "I never forget a beautiful woman,' he replies. I sit down with him and we proceed to chat away like old friends.

Sadly, I don't remember a thing about our conversation, except that he pointed to my engagement ring and said "Looks like you nabbed Mr. Tiffany, himself!" (my ring is an antique, handed down many generations and does have a bit of bling going on). I laughed myself awake out of pure joy of spending time with this charming, funny man.

Keith Richards, James Brown & Jim Belushi hang out.

Now yes, I know that the waking life James Brown was not as charming and funny as in my dream, but I do like to think that when folks pass on, the very best of their personalities sticks around and the darker parts are transformed. I believe I spent some time with the Angel that is James Brown - the man who has passed on.

I taught them everything they know, but not everything I know. ~ James Brown

Now, why did Mr. Dynamite show up in my dream last night? Who knows? My husband pointed out that he literally is The Ambassador of Soul and since dreams are so very good at making puns, I like to think that he is reminding me that we are all ambassadors of our own souls. It's up to us how we represent our inner truth in the world.

And, of course, he was a huge influence on me and everyone else with an ounce of funk in their souls. Talk about a man who puts on a performance! He inspired so many great artists, including two other favorites of mine - Bootsy Collins & Prince.

Also, the Divine Miss Hambox, recently gifted me with a huge amount of funk and soul music. I'm sure this HAS to have had an effect of bringing down the King of Funk to my bedside!
So here's to you, Mr. James Brown! You are welcome in my dreams anytime!