Surviving Year Two: Week 44

Full Moon Growing Pains

This is Week 44 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

This has been a rough week. I was expecting a bit of "postpartum" after my Healing Grief - Flowering Ritual, but not to this caliber. I think there are a lot of factors at play, including the fact that my 45th birthday is almost here, which also means that the two year anniversary of my husband's death will follow two weeks later.

45 feels like one of those "big" numbers. I am solidly middle-aged and alone. The grey continues to show up in my hair. The wrinkles crinkle around my eyes. My hands are beginning to look like the hands of an old lady, and not my own. I am facing the life of a spinster widow.

As I continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to live this current life of mine, I can't stop thinking about how much my husband helped me to see myself. He knew me so well and when my life seemed to fly off the rails and I lost connection to myself, he was always there to point out what he knew about me, what he knew I was capable of and what he knew I was good at. We walked forward in out life together, hand-in-hand, making choices and decisions that were best for the two of us as a partnered team. I don't have my partner and ally anymore and I feel more lost at sea than ever.

The Grief Veil from my Healing Ritual

Now that I am close to finishing my second year as a widow, I have noticed a few things. Year One was a fog of to-do lists, grief, anxiety and being held in love and support by my friends. Year Two has been about survival — holding down a full-time job, keeping myself fed, keeping my car running, etc. It is starting to seem like Year Three is going to be about figuring out who the fuck I am now. I am not partnered. I am not a wife. I am alone, beholden to no one. This is immense freedom, but how do I make choices about my life when I don't know who I am now?

Am I an itinerant preacher, who can travel America in a van? Am I a cosmic painter who can live in a yurt in exchange for gardening? Am I a creative leader who can run a non-profit arts organization? Am I an author who can support herself by independently run book tours, relying on the kindness of new friends I haven't met yet? Am I a hands-on healer, who sees clients in a cabin in the woods? Am I a Mythologist, working in academia while writing articles on the side? Am I a Ritualist, designing personal rituals for those who need them? Am I a Witchy Radio DJ, sharing wisdom over the airwaves and being supported by my spiritual patrons?

I am all of these people and yet none of them.

Add to that, the work I am doing with my Open Human Heart, which asks me to move past my "beliefs, self-images, assumptions, blind spots, embarrassments and shadows" to find my most authentic self in Love. It's quite an intense process that feels like sitting in an alchemical alembic that is disintegrating me. I am questioning everything I have ever believed in, thought and done. It makes me question who I am, constantly and that is not a comfortable feeling. It hurts. It is bewildering. It is frightening.

Last night was the Full Moon. This month's moon has been called: the Moon of Integration, the Rose Moon, the Lotus Moon, the Green Corn Moon, the Windy Moon, the Moon When Berries are Ripe, the Moon of Horses, the Dyan Moon, the Planting Moon, the Moon When Ponies Shed Their Shaggy Hair, the Full Leaf Moon, the Turtle Moon & the Strawberry Moon (for the relatively short season for harvesting strawberries).

I am feeling the fullness of this particular lunation. I do think that this hard emotional week is part of my integration. Sometimes new growth is painful, as my delicate little sprouts reach for the sun, hoping to flower some day.

Thank you for witnessing me. See you next week.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 26

Tender Moments

This is Day 26 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

Sharing this project online is a very vulnerable act. I do it because I need to be seen and witnessed in my process. I do it because I know it is helping other widows and those living with grief and loss. I do it to better understand my own grief and loss. I do it so that my grief has a healthy outlet, instead of side-swiping me in the middle of the night. It is an intimate space and some people have reached out to me to tell me that this project is "too much." That I shouldn't have any nudity. That I shouldn't speak so freely. Why is this so frightening to some people? Why does my vulnerability make others want to censor me?

I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for sharing my truth. I will not apologize for being vulnerable. When I was ordained at the Chaplaincy Institute in 2005, our ordination group wrote our own vows and one of those vows was "Power in vulnerability." More and more, I am living that vow. There is nothing more powerful than showing our vulnerabilities - letting the whole world see us in our darkest moments. It takes courage to show these vulnerable places and when I share them, I become even stronger.

Where is a place in your life, where you can feel power in showing your vulnerability?

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong

• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?

• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow

• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Making Art with Dreams

A page from my Dream Art Journal

Making art with your dreams can be a really interesting way to step out of your analytical mind and work with a dream in a more visceral way.

Here are a few ways you can do work with your dreams through creativity, making and art:

COLLAGE

• cut out images from magazines and other materials that remind you of the dream (remember you don't have to find literal images from your dream, just pictures that remind you of the dream or make you feel similar feelings to the dream)
• collage these images on paper, poster board, postcards, playing cards, index cards or anything else
• make a series of these collages related to one dream, or a series of dreams that feel connected
• take it one step further and give the collaged postcards to a friend and ask them to mail the cards back to you at a time of their choosing

POETRY

• write down the dream
• circle important/emotional words
• write a poem or haiku using those words
• take it one step further by making a book of dream poetry and read it at your local open mic night

A card from my Dream Collage Deck -
this one is called "Guide to Lost Souls"

MASK-MAKING

• choose a scary or confusing dream character
• use a paper plate or cut a paper circle
• collage, paint and/or glue objects onto it
• cut out eye holes (or not!)
• configure the mask so you can wear it
• wear the mask and embody the dream character
• write down what you feel after embodying your scary or confusing dream character
• take it one step further and ask a trusted friend to join you in re-enacting the dream and have them ask you questions about your charcter

PAINTING/DRAWING

• focus on one color or image from your dream
• learn everything you want to learn about that color or image
• paint/draw it several times in several ways
• pay attention to how that color or image shows up in your life
• take it one step further and have a conversation with your painting/drawing - answer all your questions with another painting/drawing

If you do any of these processes, let me know. I'd love to hear about it!

Lady Pope Giggles the Trillionth

We are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program to bring you breaking news: the new Lady Pope had her debut in San Francisco on March 16, 2013, to coincide with the San Francisco celebration, Beware the Brides of March.

Lady Pope Giggles the Trillionth

Pope Lady Giggles was on hand to bless the brides, have Interfaith dialogue with her fellow spiritual leaders, and gift blessings of revolutionary creativity and magic on anyone who would listen. Great fun was had by all.

Back in my early 20's, I developed a character called the Rev. Miss Myrtle Motivation. She would show up at rock shows and local events around San Francisco and would preach the world of love and creativity. Embracing her as a part of myself, lead me to embrace my true path as an Interfaith Minister and it lead me to going to seminary and being ordained at the Chaplaincy Institute for Art & Interfaith Ministry. After that, I became a "real minister" and I started to lose track of the wild, creative, passionate street preacher I once was.

Interfaith Brides of Marchin'

When I decided to become Lady Pope for a day and walk the streets of San Francisco with my fellow revelers, I had my own revelation - I need to return to my creative, wild street preaching roots. I loved being out on the streets and giving blessings to those who asked for it and taking photos with Japanese tourists. It was so fun to connect with so many strangers and remind them that their spirituality can look however they want it to look.

I think it is RIDICULOUS that we have not yet had a female Pope (except for Pope Joan!). I have been a spiritual leader for over a decade and have worked with amazing women from so many different faith traditions - for anyone to say that a woman cannot lead because of the sex she was born with is completely ridiculous.

My 6'9" husband in his hand-made wedding dress.

With my own Lady Pope costume, I wanted to bring in the Goddess and all her ancient influences on the Catholic church (of which there are many!). It would have been great to have some snakes around me, since it was also St. Patrick's Day and the "banishing of snakes" is absolutely about the "banishing" of the female spiritual power. The oldest Goddess religions of Europe figured snakes prominently and so many important spiritually-empowered stories about women and their power were lost forever:

The myth surrounding St. Patrick's fame runs along the lines of his banishing of snakes from the island nation. However, snakes have never called the emerald isle home. It is an often-misunderstood metaphor for the Irish patron saint driving out the pagans. Serpent symbols were often worshiped by pagans, such as the Druids at Tara, who St. Patrick is said to have baptized.

So what does this all mean for me? Only time will tell. I'm going to keep listening and honoring my deep, playful, spiritual, creative spirit. It is a journey!

Creating Sacred Space

Why do we need sacred space? It’s simple. We need a way (a place, a process) to gently and easily reconnect with the spiritual core of being human, to be touched "where we live" on a regular basis by that divine bit of fire." ~ Kathryn L. Robyn, in Spiritual Housecleaning

One of my altars

Being an independent minister with no "home church" to call my own, I have to get creative with making spaces to serve and practice my ministry of creativity, dreamwork and healing. When I left San Francisco, I reluctantly gave up my very cheap and beautiful shared office space. I needed somewhere to see clients and hold my dream groups, so I decided to use my new home as an office to see clients in.

I was worried about doing this for many reasons. I wanted my space to be private, and opening up my home to lots of different people seemed invasive and overwhelming. And what about the cleaning?! I’m not a dirty person, but I’ve been known to let dishes sit for a couple of days, and sometimes I’m not so quick on the disposal of old cat litter.

On the day when my first client was scheduled to come to the house, my husband and I woke up early and begin the daunting task of making our home “spotless.” I was so afraid I would overlook something and my visitors would walk in, see that missed tumbleweed of cat hair on the floor, and walk right out, horrified.

As the process of cleaning our home began, I was completely shocked to discover that I was actually enjoying myself. Thankfully, I have a wonderful partner who was completely on board with the idea of making our home beautiful and clean to welcome in my new clients.

I realized in this process that my husband and I were creating sacred space — the same way volunteers come to their church to oil the old wooden pews, and the same way a Buddhist monk cleans the floor of the temple or shrine. Who says my home is not a sacred space also? It is a sanctuary and place of healing, both for my husband and me, and for my clients.

As I got down into the nooks and crannies of my home, I discovered piles of dust and cat hair I didn’t know were there. Instead of being disgusted or upset by this, I felt grateful that I had discovered this “undiscovered” place in my home, and could now clean this neglected space and make it fresh and new again.

Front porch altar for Valentine's Day

This process of “deep cleaning” reminds me so much of my own spiritual practice, as I walk my path of healing and transformation. I have committed to going deeper and to understanding my shadow places, so that I can see what is “dirtying” up my energy body and find a way to clean it out and transform it into something different and more nurturing.

This thorough housecleaning has now become a ritual for us, as I see clients at least once a week in my home. It’s also a meditative time for me, where I think about my past week and my ministry and what I would like to do in this life. With this work, I am tending to my temple.

In the beginning I had some concern that I wouldn’t get my home back after meeting with clients, but this has not turned out to be the case. The act of cleaning and preparing for them shifts the energy of the house — I move the chairs around and create a new space that is just for when clients come visit, or I put the chairs in a circle for group work. First I create a sacred container; then when the session or group is over, I put the furniture back the way it was, burn a little sage, and I have my home space back.

I also create altars specifically for client sessions. Often I use a statue of the Buddha (being an Interfaith Minister, I feel comfortable with a variety of icons from various faith traditions) who holds a small candle in his lap. Sometimes I have fresh flowers. Sometimes I have crystals that my husband has blessed in his healing work.

I often use flowers from my garden
& old photos in my altars

I create special altars for the groups I facilitate as well. These often include little “gifts” or offerings I have prepared, or a book I would like to read from. I always include my “circle of friends” candleholder, which honors the way we have all come together to support each other. The candle at the center honors the role that Spirit plays in our gathering.

I also have the honor of performing wedding ceremonies; when I meet with couples to prepare and do pre-wedding consultations, I make an altar as well.

This includes two statues that were given to my husband and I when we were preparing for our own wedding. Sometimes I wrap the two statues together with the beaded stole I crafted for my ordination. I always try to include a ripe fruit or vegetable, to honor the growth and nourishment of being in a love partnership.

In the process of cleaning and preparing my sacred space, the whole house also becomes like an altar. I try to pay attention to each object and honor all the objects in my house. Those who have been in my home know that I have A LOT of things! I have many sacred objects, from many different faith traditions. I frequently re-arrange objects and make new altars and spaces. That includes the little statues in the bathroom and on top of the television. It keeps my home alive and the energy moving instead of getting stuck and stagnant. Making and re-making altars is a powerful way to create sacred space. I think Eleanor Coppola, wife of Francis and mother of Sophia, explains the process well in the wonderful book Altars & Icons:

...there’s also something very soothing in just placing objects, shifting their position, or refolding the fabric, making the square a little smaller or a little larger. It satisfies some artistic part of myself.

Re-connecting with our altars helps keep our home/office/space alive and fluid. It is a way to honor visions and ideas in a tangible form.

Altars don’t just have to be for meditation. Janet Carter, from the same book:

Even when I’m not sitting in front of it, my altar is working because these particular objects are activated by my intent. It’s up to me to remember that the altar is here, to sit with it and take it in, not with my mind but with my heart and body. The altar brings these three together.

Seeing my home through my clients’ eyes is a powerful experience. Many of them see it as an oasis. I live on four acres in a home with high ceilings and large windows. Yet I sometimes get stuck in the mundane realities of my home, taking it for granted and overlooking its beauty. My clients remind me every week that I live in a beautiful place that they experience as a healing oasis, a place where they can take a break and step back into the deep waters of their spiritual life.

Yes, there have been times when the dishes didn’t get done before a client arrived. And you know what... they didn’t even notice. Or if they did, it didn’t take away from the work we did together that day.

Tending to my space and keeping it clean and beautiful helps me stay in touch with the greater Spirit. Sacred space can be created anywhere! I often carry “altar kits” in my car, in case I am called to minister to someone out in the world. A simple blanket, a small statue, some wildflowers picked by the side of the road, can come together to make a beautiful space for healing and transformation.

How do you make sacred space?

Books mentioned in this post:

• Altars & Icons: Sacred Spaces in Everyday Life, by Jean McMann  (Chronicle Books, 1998)
• Altars of Power & Grace: Create the Life you Desire, by Robin & Michael Mastro  (Balanced Books, 2004) 
• Beautiful Necessity: The Art & Meaning of Women’s Altars, by Kay Turner  (Thames & Hudson, 1998) 
• Spiritual Housecleaning: Healing the Space within by Beautifying the Space Around You , by Kathryn L. Robyn  (New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2001)