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| Wounded Heart |
This is Day 81 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.
Several times through my grief process, I have been asked essentially the same question: Is it better to have loved and lost than ever to have loved at all? The theory being, I guess, that if I did not love and commit myself to my husband, I would not now be going through this level of pain and heartache. This question has 100% been asked by people who claim they have "never loved another person" the way I loved my late husband. These are more independent, non-partnered people, so they seem to be asking from a very deep place of wondering if they "made the right choice" by not partnering with anyone. My short answer to this question is that we ALL experience heartache and grief, no matter if we partner our lives with someone or not. So I don't think any of us escape that particular dark path.
My way of answering this complicated question more in-depth is to imagine the night I met my late husband for the first time and think about what it would be like to have said "no" when he asked me for my phone number. When I picture that night, his large hands holding his tiny flip phone, expectantly waiting for my number, I can't imagine not giving it to him. Even in those first moments, I knew he was someone special - someone important to me. I had no idea he would become my husband, but I knew I needed to know more about him. I wanted him in my life in some form.
So while this grief is the most brutal experience I have ever survived, I would never, ever trade it for the loss of those 12 complicated, beautiful, messy, confusing, romantic, magical years with my love. I may be a wounded deer, with an arrow sticking straight out of my heart - an arrow of my husband's making, I might add - I am also a woman who knew true, deep love. I now know what it feels like to have someone love me unconditionally, to relish in my body, to laugh at my jokes, to cheer me on and to make me feel safe when I am frightened. I know the dark and bright sides of partnership. I know what it is like to be part of a team.
Did I open myself up to this grief by loving my husband so deeply? Do others who do not open up and partner their lives with another escape this risk of deep grief? I don't know. I can't answer that. All I can say is that I've been on both sides now and I am stronger for it.
_____________________
I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:
Art with Grief:
And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.
Thank you, and see you tomorrow.
Several times through my grief process, I have been asked essentially the same question: Is it better to have loved and lost than ever to have loved at all? The theory being, I guess, that if I did not love and commit myself to my husband, I would not now be going through this level of pain and heartache. This question has 100% been asked by people who claim they have "never loved another person" the way I loved my late husband. These are more independent, non-partnered people, so they seem to be asking from a very deep place of wondering if they "made the right choice" by not partnering with anyone. My short answer to this question is that we ALL experience heartache and grief, no matter if we partner our lives with someone or not. So I don't think any of us escape that particular dark path.
My way of answering this complicated question more in-depth is to imagine the night I met my late husband for the first time and think about what it would be like to have said "no" when he asked me for my phone number. When I picture that night, his large hands holding his tiny flip phone, expectantly waiting for my number, I can't imagine not giving it to him. Even in those first moments, I knew he was someone special - someone important to me. I had no idea he would become my husband, but I knew I needed to know more about him. I wanted him in my life in some form.
So while this grief is the most brutal experience I have ever survived, I would never, ever trade it for the loss of those 12 complicated, beautiful, messy, confusing, romantic, magical years with my love. I may be a wounded deer, with an arrow sticking straight out of my heart - an arrow of my husband's making, I might add - I am also a woman who knew true, deep love. I now know what it feels like to have someone love me unconditionally, to relish in my body, to laugh at my jokes, to cheer me on and to make me feel safe when I am frightened. I know the dark and bright sides of partnership. I know what it is like to be part of a team.
Did I open myself up to this grief by loving my husband so deeply? Do others who do not open up and partner their lives with another escape this risk of deep grief? I don't know. I can't answer that. All I can say is that I've been on both sides now and I am stronger for it.
_____________________
I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:
Art with Grief:
- Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
- When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
- Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
- The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
- The poetry of John O’Donohue
Living with Grief Resources:
- Modern Loss's excellent resource list
- The Rules of Grief are for Other People by Shawn Doyle on The Good Men Project
- Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing
- Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
- They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
- A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit
- Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief
- The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine
- How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times
- 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine
Thank you, and see you tomorrow.
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