Surviving Year Two: Week 37

Healing My Body/My Heart/My Mind/My Soul

This is Week 37 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

I have been working through some newly resurfaced body shame, that feels connected to my Grief. I have been doing a lot of body healing (including lots of doctor and chiropractor visits) which has forced me to be present in my body in a way that has always been scary to me, despite being a weightlifter for 11 years.

I always find it fascinating that when we start to consciously focus on an aspect of healing, transformation almost immediately starts happening, whether we are "doing" something about it or not. It's as if just clearly making the intention and bringing our focus to that aspect of healing changes the energetic vibration — like just having the intention re-calibrates things to prepare for the deeper healing work to come.

I was finally able to see a Sports Medicine Doctor about my injured shoulder and was officially diagnosed with an impingement in my subscapularis muscle with some focused bursitis. Now that my Chiropractor knows what is going on in there, she is doing some focused therapy and it's already helping my shoulder pain tremendously. Because I have Kaiser, it took OVER A YEAR before they would let me see a Specialist, but my rage at the dysfunction of the Kaiser system is for another time!

Clothes I Would Have Never Worked Out in Before

As I have shared previously, going to the doctor as a fat person is a brutal experience of fighting for my right to exist as the size I am (although, I'd like to say that the office of Dr. Neid, the Sports Medicine Doctor I saw at Kaiser, Santa Rosa, had absolutely no body shaming of any kind! Perhaps because he works with weightlifters and knows that athletes come in ALL shapes and sizes). When I have to fight for the rights and safety of my body, it forces me to fight for my own existence. In a time when suicide has been a very real thought in my mind, it is an interesting experience to then fight tooth and nail for my right to exist.

As I care for the healing of my body and the healing of my Grief, I have been experimenting with new clothing. Lots of ladies (and some men) wear very tight leggings to lift in at my gym. I always admired how they looked and yearned for the ease and comfort they must be feeling to be so unrestricted — both in clothing and in body shame. I have also been watching a lot of Glitter & Lazers videos and she regularly highlights cute, very form-fitting workout clothes. One of her "hauls" included leggings by Lola Getts (and FYI, they aren't paying me anything to promote them — I truly am impressed with their workout clothes). When I tried them on, they were extremely form-fitting, supportive and comfortable. I knew I had to lift in them, but I was panicked by showing that much of my body in the gym. I was so used to hiding my body in baggy sweatpants and voluminous t-shirts.

When I wore my new, tight leggings to go lift at the gym, I did see some eyebrows go up, which made me fill with body shame. But I breathed through it and let that shame go and got on with my lifting. I was then filled with so much joy and happiness at having consciously moved through that shame that my weights felt light as air. It was like my body was running on rocket fuel and champagne. It was dizzying and wonderful. In that moment, I realized that other people being uncomfortable around my body is their problem, not mine.

So now, as I move through my grief, missing my husband and the way he relished, loved and supported my body in all its forms, I am learning to love myself with the same fervor and passion. This is liberation. This is healing.

Thanks for witnessing me. See you next week.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 77

Manicured Hoisting

This is Day 77 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

I am a weightlifter. When my husband suddenly passed away, I only took two months off before I went back to the gym. I meant to take longer than that, but my body started craving it. My heart was crying out for it. I cried a lot while lifting, those first few months back in the gym. Thanks to the great community my coach has fostered at his amazing gym, there was a lot of space for my tears and my sorrow. I have consistently continued to lift throughout my grief journey. Now with my new job, I have to lift pretty early in the morning. I'm also dealing with a shoulder injury that is healing but extremely slowly, so I can't do any overhead lifting which is my favorite. Instead I'm doing lots and lots and lots of squats.

Sometimes I feel so broken down, physically and emotionally that I feel like I will never lift a heavy weight again, but I gather up all my stuff and I trundle off to the gym in the wee morning hours and I start lifting. I laugh with my friends and by the end, even if all I did was lots of squats, I feel accomplished - and the day has barely gotten started!

They say it takes 3 weeks to get used to big changes in life, and today marks the completion of the third week of my new schedule of lifting at 6:30am, doing a fast costume change and commuting to work for an 8 1/2 hour day, then commuting back home. I don't know if I'm used to my new life yet, but I did notice my nails matched the weights this morning, so I took a picture. 

One step at a time. One day at a time. Just keep moving forward.

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Widowed Village
• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 56

Goodbye Afternoons, Hello Mornings

This is Day 56 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

My new job begins on Monday, which means my weightlifting schedule is going to change. I've been lifting in the afternoons for several years and have become close with several of my fellow lifters. One of those sweet friends brought me flowers to say "goodbye" and I am so touched and so moved by this simple act of kindness. I find that lifting heavy weights can really bond people together. We are facing immense challenges every day and we are always cheering each other on and supporting each other. I find the same is true in my grief - everyone at my gym has given me so much space to mourn and cry, while also pushing me to get back up and face those huge weights again. We all are faced with immense challenges and deep grief and it is powerful to have such a strong tribe of support. I'm going to be an early morning lifter now, and fortunately there are already several good friends waiting to welcome me in to the AM Hoisting Flock. 

One day at a time. One lift at a time.

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 28

Widow Weightlifter - to see a video of me lifting this weight, check out my Instagram.

This is Day 28 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

I'm a Fat Strong Lady and have been doing Olympic-style weightlifting and powerlifting for over 8 years at the awesome Myles Ahead Weightlifting gym, here in Northern California. During my grief journey I have always made sure to get to the gym and lift no matter what... except for this past week. This past week, the depression, anxiety and insomnia of my grief hit me like a 10 ton truck and I could not get out of bed, let alone get to the gym to lift. This made me feel like I had truly given up and that all was lost. I have often said during this journey, that the day I don't get to the gym is the day I have truly given up, and last week it felt like I had truly given up. 

When I don't work out, my body feels terrible. But I have to forgive myself and move on. And move on I did, getting all three of my workouts in this week. The weights aren't as heavy as they normally are, but that's okay. I saw my fellow weightlifters, admired some gorgeous beards, and laughed a lot. All of these experiences are very good for my mind, body and soul.

I also cried a little bit, as I often do in the gym. My husband was a StrongMan competitor and powerlifter, not to mention that his business was right next door to our gym. I can't help but feel him every moment that I am lifting. Sometimes this makes me break down in tears, but thankfully, I have an awesome coach, who makes space for my sorrow and I have amazing teammates who are not afraid of my tears.

How are you moving your body through your grief? 

************************

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong

• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?

• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow

• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Monthly Check-In: March 2014

Like many, I rarely blog anymore. I've moved on to quicker, more visual ways of sharing my life. But I don't want to neglect this lively space, so I've decided to do a monthly check in that aggregates the "best of the month" in other social media I use. It's so meta! So please enjoy, and make sure to follow links and connect with me in other spaces as well as here.

March 2014 on Instagram

My magenta hair lives on, into the Spring!

I'm painting up a storm! This is a Sad Clown that appeared in my Circle Painting.

I have a new painting studio and it's been such a joy to sink down into my painting practice again. When I paint every day, I find that my paintings begin to respond back to me. The above began as a painting made only of circles. Eventually, this Sad Clown Face began to reveal herself and as I "pulled her out" by defining the details, I realized that she came in answer to a question I've been sitting with, about my life as a performer and improvisor. The current group I am performing with is fantastic and I love them, but the improv we do together is way too "normal" and it's making me a "Sad Clown." I didn't realize this until this face in my painting showed up to tell me.

Videos I made in March 2014

Here I am deadlifting 100kg (220 lbs.) for 4 reps.

SO MANY turkeys at our house!

Books I read in March 2014

Parnassus on Wheels by Christopher Morley ~ 1917. Illustrations by Douglas Gorsline

I read a lot of books in March. One of my favorites was Parnassus on Wheels by Christopher Morely. I received it in Book Riot's 2nd Quarterly Box. I loved this book and it was quite a feminist story (especially considering it was written in 1917)! In this short novella, a woman buys a book caravan and sets out to escape the drudgery of domestic farm life and sell books on the open road. It's really worth a read, if only to inspire you to jump in and try something new.

So far, I've read 19 books in 2014.

 

Music I dug in March 2014

This is a new section I'm going to add to this Monthly Check-In Series. This isn't music that necessarily came out this month - more like music I discovered this month:

Bridge to Hawaii by Tacocat 

First of all, this band's name is Taco Cat. That in itself is fantastic. They are super poppy in the best way and this song is about escaping the cold winter with a bridge to Hawaii. 

"It's dark and it rains all the time
I'm guessing not the destinations that you had in mine
Your brain's unraveling, the endless traveling
And you can't go up, jump into the ocean"

Elemental Finding by Tara Jane O'Neil (set to vintage 1970's baptism footage by David Dean Burkhart on YouTube)

I've been a fan of Tara Jane O'Neil for years, and her new album, Where Shine New Lights does not disappoint. It's dreamy and slow and perfect.

"Lay down, lay down your armor
Your guards have already fled
Take a look at yourself you marauder
And be your soft test"

Thanks for going on this month's ride with me! See you next time.

Don't forget to:
Follow me on Instagram.
Follow me on Twitter.
Follow me on Goodreads.
Become a fan of Create With Spirit on Facebook.

Be Your Own Beloved #17

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a week or more, but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Taking Up Space with Strength in My Big Body

The next assignment is about taking up space. Just like the last assignment, this sent me on a whirlwind of thoughts of feelings. As a big woman I have always been hyper-conscious of how much space I take up. We live in a culture that STILL wants to punish women for being big, for being powerful and for taking up space, both physically and energetically. It's amazing to me how threatened strangers are on the street when I walk by. I'm often wearing something bright and festive and I often have a smile on my face. Some people see this act of "being happy while fat" as a threat to their very existence  - "A woman can be that large and happy too? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR ME?" I've had strangers tell me I "shouldn't wear" what I'm wearing. I've had cars full of boys scream horrible things at me as I walk. I've had groups of girls comment on what I'm wearing and laugh as I walk by. Sometimes it's exhausting to be a walking, revolutionary statement, but after 40 years, I'm used to it.

I had so many ideas for today's theme, many of which included me being out in the world and taking up space in places where I have felt "too big." There's a restaurant that has tiny chairs and tables that I don't fit in. There is a store, whose aisles I can barely walk down, because they are so narrow. And I won't even begin to talk about airline seats! But when I arrived at some of these places to take some self-portraits, I ended up feeling tight and cramped and sad. I was reminded over and over I am "too big" for so many small spaces in the world and the self-portraits I took felt strange and forced. I realized that I needed to come more from a place of celebration and not necessarily of political activism. But what does that look like? How do I celebrate how my body takes up space?

Flexing for the Camera!

As many of you know, I am a weightlifter. It's been an amazing journey to find my way back to loving my large body and really being present in it and weightlifting has played a big role in that. As I lift heavier and heavier weights, I become stronger and as a result, I build muscle. This means that my body has been changing. My body has gotten "bigger" in some ways, while also getting tighter, curvier and smaller in other ways. For someone who has grown up being afraid of her body, afraid of her strength and afraid of her power, this has been an amazing journey for me.

I have lots of great talks with my teammates, in between lifting (at the wonderful, totally size-positive Myles Ahead Fitness - if you are ever in Northern California, come visit!). Yesterday, our conversation shifted to a terrible article some random male personal trainer had recently published about "weight-training for women" that had gotten everyone riled up. I'm not going to link to it here, because I do not want to give that man any web traffic. In this article, he talked about how women can get "bulky shoulders and traps" and how that "wasn't attractive" and that personal trainers needed to "be careful" that they didn't "bulk up" their female clients. Again, we see the fear of women taking up too much space and being too strong. When I shared this article with my coach, he just laughed and shook his head and said "What an idiot." Needless to say, I adore my coach!

Here's Me Using my Strong Arms and Shoulders to Snatch 40 kilos (88 lbs.)

My weightlifting team is incredibly diverse, in body type, age, and gender. Yesterday, I was sitting with two of the strongest members of my team, a man and a woman in their early 20's and both of them were decrying this ridiculous article. Our conversation reminded me of something that had happened the night before - I was getting ready for bed and my husband said suddenly "look at those shoulders!" Now, he meant it in the most positive way. My husband loves my strong, big body and I know that completely. And yet, my first reaction was fear and shame. "Oh no! Am I getting too bulky?" Even now, I still have that secret, dark voice inside me that says "big is bad."

So back in the gym, as I heard these two lifters, whom I admire so much, talking about how fantastic it is for women to be strong and have big shoulders and big traps and lift big weights I felt a light joy spread through my body. I realized, THIS IS HOW I TAKE UP SPACE - by loving my body and pushing it and helping it get stronger and embracing the way it changes. When I returned home from the gym, I asked my husband to take pictures of me and my big shoulders and large arms, as I took up as much space as I could in the frame. I love how these pictures came out! It was also hilarious to be flexing like some kind of body builder while my husband snapped pictures! I know he enjoyed it!

I really love how this project continues to push me and take me to new places. I'm having so much fun!

Be Your Own Beloved #4

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

My Arms are STRONG!

Today, Vivienne asked us pick one part of our bodies as inspiration and tell a story that feels positive, as we chart our course to see ourselves with kindness. Growing up as a big girl who is now a big, 300 lb. woman, I have always struggled with my body and how it looks. Our American culture tells me every single day how "ugly" and "undesirable" I am. Thankfully, we now have the Internet and I can reach out and find other amazing fat women who are fierce and beautiful and inspiring. The fat community online has taught me so much about loving myself.

And the other thing that has taught me how to love my body, amazingly enough, is weightlifting. I have written a lot about my weightlifting journey already, so I'm not going to go into how I got into weightlifting and all of that. What I will say is that it's amazing that I found a sport that embraces my body just as it is and where in fact, having a large body is actually a plus. As Olympic Super-Heavyweight and amazing person Cheryl Hayworth said in the excellent film STRONG! "Mass moves mass."

Here I am doing triple snatches at 39 kilos (85.8 lbs)

I used Vivienne's prompt to think about a "part" of my body that I'm sometimes embarrassed of and find a way to look at it in a new and beautiful light. I've always had big arms. When I was young (and weighed FAR less than I do now), you would never have caught me wearing sleeveless tops, but now that I'm a lifter, I wear sleeveless shirts all the time. My arms are STRONG and they help me get those weights up over my head every week!

I loved today's assignment and I definitely want to create more photos about "parts" of my body that I am often ashamed of and write a NEW story.

Spiritual Weightlifting

Two years ago my husband convinced me to join his small, weightlifting gym. It took quite a lot to convince me that I wasn’t going to be met with the same oppression I have met at other gyms and fitness centers.

I am a very big, curvy woman. Every time I have tried to workout in a public facility, I have been met with a lot of assumptions: I want to lose weight, I have no strength, I am lazy and this is first time I’ve done anything active in my life, etc. I cannot tell you how many times I have been walking on a treadmill and some has come up to me and said, “You’ve been walking on that treadmill for 30 minutes! Good for you!” Would those people say that to a skinny person? No, they would not.

Needless to say, I was a bit gun-shy when I walked into this new gym. Not only was it close quarters; it was also full of weightlifters who were grunting and groaning and dropping weights loudly on the floor.

I have come to love those sounds, and now I grunt and drop weights loudly on the floor myself. In fact, it has become a ritual—an essential part of my life. I am dedicated to my weightlifting practice
for my strength and growth, much like a spiritual practice.

At the gym I experience a deep sense of community, encouragement and support. It doesn’t matter what size I am, what my political beliefs are, or what my background is. The proverbial “little old lady” lifting her 8 lb. weights, or my husband, lifting almost 300 lbs. over his head, are both celebrated equally. All achievements and transformations of strength and fitness are celebrated exactly the same, much the way an ideal minister or spiritual companion meets each person where they are on their journey—celebrating the triumphs and having compassion for the moments of disappointment and frustration.

It wasn’t until another lifter and myself started joking about how this gym had become our “church,” that I realized what a spiritual practice weightlifting had become for me. I realized that at this point
in my life, this eclectic group of weightlifters had become my spiritual community. When I walk into the gym, the community (or “congregation”) greets me. People ask me how my life is going. They
remember things about me, and I feel seen and cared for.

Just as I had felt lost and unwelcome at the bigger more impersonal gyms, I also have felt lost and unwelcome in the more organized, religious communities I have visited as a seeker, hoping to find my
spiritual home. Just as assumptions were made about who I am and what I want from a gym or fitness program (based solely on how I look), so too have religious communities made erroneous assumptions about me and my spiritual life, based solely on the fact that I am a woman, or was
raised by a Unitarian Minister father, or some other “surface” projection. Just as the chart that claims I am obese does not take into account the fact that I have very strong (and heavy!) muscles, so too
does the dogma of most organized religion not take into account that my interpretation of the Divine does not include punishment, authority or sin.

In my weightlifting community, I feel seen, heard and appreciated. In am pushed to transform and grow, both on the inside and the outside—and as a member of the community, I also encourage others to transform and grow. We practice together on a regular basis. If that doesn’t define a spiritual community, what does?

That same week, I read an article in the Presence, the publication for Spiritual Directors International, that included an article about "spotting." Spotting, in weightlifting terminology, is the practice of standing near a lifter when they lift a very heavy weight, in case they need help. In the article, spotting was used as a metaphor for spiritual direction. I felt that my hunch had been confirmed when I read that article! Spotting is very much like spiritual direction. We are companions and witnesses to each other, we are there to help if it is needed, and we step back and witness in silence when the work is being done without our help.

Any regularly undertaken activity that reliably generates greater conscious awareness and understanding of the deepest sources, patterns of meaning, and values in my life (and in the lives of others) is a spiritual practice. Any activity that increases the experience of the ultimate worth of my self, of others, and of life itself, is generating an increased, felt sense of the Divine—and so is, by definition, a spiritual discipline.

When I lift my weights, I am pushing myself each time I lift that bar. I am tracking my progression, while bringing my whole self to that moment. It is amazing how important a role the mind and spirit play in weightlifting and other physical acts of strength and fitness. I must quiet my mind, and yet at the same time, I have to stay actively awake and present. I cannot “check out” they way I would in watching a movie or looking out the window. This active state of mind is similar to the yogic practice, or Buddhist meditation, or prayer. It is working both my inner consciousness and my outer body of muscles and bone. I also put deep trust and faith in God that I will be “spotted,” both by a
physical person I am working out with and by God herself, guiding my intuition and knowing when a weight is too heavy for me that day.

All of our paths are unique and special. We are all seekers in some way, and we are all trying to find the spiritual community where we belong. I hope that after reading this article, you too will be able to open up your mind and see other ways to be spiritual in your life that you may not have noticed before.

I am so thankful that God has lead me on this interesting and surprising path!

May you always know your strength, both inner and outer.

Fat Strong Lady

For those of you who don't know, I do Olympic-Style Weightlifting and I love it.

Above is a video I made called "Fat Strong Lady." I made it to combat the bombardment of fat hatred, sizeism and bigotry in our culture. I used those three words as the title, because you rarely see those words used together.

I've been lifting for a few years. Here is a video of me at my first weightlifting competition, for those who would like more than photos of me clean and jerking 50 kilograms (102 lbs.) over my head, and here is a video of me snatching 36 kilograms (79.2 lbs.).

In this whole exercise/weightlifting odyssey I have been on, I have really let go of obsessing over the number on the scale. The only number I am focusing on is the weight on the bar. Muscle is much  more dense than fat, so already, the scale is not necessarily telling you what you think it is.

I've lived the majority of my life hating my body. It started when I was in the 2nd grade, when someone called me fat on the playground. All of a sudden, it didn't mean anything that I could always catch someone when we played tag, or that I was tetherball champion. All of a sudden I saw myself as fat and it all went downhill from there.

I have a photo in which I am 16 years old and it captures the worst of my body-hatred time. Ironically, at the height of my body-hatred, I weighed the least I have ever weighed in my teenage/adult life (150 lbs.). This is after a summer of crash dieting in which I lost 50 pounds in 3 months. I was hungry and cold, all the time - and I was still unhappy and miserable. I had people coming up to me in school and saying, "Good job, but you aren't going to stop there are you? You should lose at least another 30 pounds."  They said this because, even at my most anorexic self, I still had a big butt and big thighs - that's how my body is built.  I now am grateful for that butt and those thighs, because they help me lift big weights!

I have a lot more love and respect for my body now. I still struggle with self-hatred - on a daily basis sometimes, but turning 36 years old this week has reminded me that time is short and there is no reason not to love myself right now for who I am.

I know that the scale is God for so many people, and let me tell you, it feels so good to cast down that false idol.

So I raise my glass in a toast to all the big ladies out there, getting out into the world and doing their thing, no matter what anyone has to say about it.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT - LOVE YOURSELF.

And for those who are interested in reading fat-positive blogs (there are so many out there!), here is a (very short) list to get you started on your fat positive journey:

Big Fat Deal

Fatly Yours

The Rotund

The F Word

Getting Stronger

Yesterday I competed in my very first Olympic-style weightlifting competition. Those that know me know that a year ago, the idea of me competing in anything athletic was quite hard to imagine. And weightlifting? Do women over 25 even lift weights?

Thankfully, my beloved husband discovered an incredible fitness center/weightlifting gym near our home. Freddie & Niki Myles own and operate Myles Ahead and there really are no words to describe what a great and supportive environment these two amazing people have created together.

Despite my zaftig body, I have always enjoyed moving and exercising my body. I have a red belt in Tae Kwon Do and I am always the first one on the dance floor. I've found it interesting over the years to see how various people have reacted to seeing a large woman exercising or moving and enjoying her body. In the usual YMCAs, or 24-Hour Fitnesses women often (and yes, it is always women) come up to me and say "you've been on that elliptical for over an hour! Good for you!" Or, I'm out on the dance floor, losing myself in the music and dancing with my friends and someone comes up and says, "You've been dancing for hours! Good for you!"  Would these women say such things to a slender person? No, they wouldn't.

With men, it is usually worse. I have had completely outraged men yell at me in dance clubs, saying I had no business being there, wearing what I was wearing and calling me the most terrible names you can imagine. On the flip side, I have had the weirdest propositions from men - all larger ladies know what I'm talking about. It's almost like because our culture is so dismissive of us as sexual beings that any man that shows interest in us sexually must have a "fetish," instead of just appreciating a curvier woman. Thankfully, my life has been full of really wonderful, appreciative men who have helped me enjoy and love my body just the way it is.

Finishing a light Jerk of 40 kilos (88 lbs.)

I also had terrible luck with personal trainers (before I met Freddie & Niki Myles). They always assumed that I wanted to lose weight and not much else (like getting strong, getting more flexibility, having fun and all the other reasons we exercise). And they always assumed that I was weak. So many personal trainers have been shocked by my strength and endurance.

My experience at Myles Ahead was much different. Niki & Freddie greeted me with complete respect and total understanding that all bodies are unique, and that all bodies are strong in their own way. They showed me how strong I actually am and are continuing to help me get stronger - and they do it with laughter and kindness and joy in their hearts.  There really aren't words to describe what a gift these two people are to me and my life. I feel so lucky to know them.

I competed in the 2nd Annual Redwood Empire Championships in Cotati, California, yesterday. I did the snatch and the clean/jerk. I achieved a personal record of a 50kg clean/jerk (that's 110 lbs. that I jerked right over my head, people!). I also successfully lifted all six of my lifts!  I even won 2nd Place in my weight level (okay, there were only two of us!).

What I was most surprised by was how much FUN it was to be up on that platform, in front of so many people. I was completely shocked by that experience.

And I continue to get stronger. The wonderful thing about weightlifting is that you can keep lifting into your 80's and beyond. How many sports can you say that about?