Thursday, June 23, 2016

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 139

Navigating the Patriarchy is Exhausting

This is Day 139 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

Online dating is THE WORST. Being a strong, powerful, openly sexual, over 40, fat feminist in the wild, gross seas of hook-ups, Bro Dudes and Hustlers is exhausting. The sexism of our patriarchal culture is alive and well on the Internet, and no matter how quickly I jab and move, I seem to still get stung by slut-shamers, liars and cold-hearted conquerers. Just like I wish there was a Widow Island, where we could all retreat for at least a year, I wish there was some sort of Widow Stud Stable of kind gentleman that could show a lady a good time without having to lie, cheat and hustle. Why can't we all just be honest with each other? Why are we all so broken?

__________________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:


Living with Grief Resources:

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my InstagramTwitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 138

Disco Angel Bear

This is Day 138 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

He came whirling into my life, full of big thoughts, pervy ideas, earnest spirituality and a desire to marry me after one date. 12 years later, he whirled out of my life in the span of a few moments. He is my Disco Angel Bear. I want to believe he is watching over me. I want to believe that he still loves me. I want to believe that someday I will find love like that again. Is that possible?

__________________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:


Living with Grief Resources:

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my InstagramTwitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 137

No End in Sight

This is Day 137 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

There is no end in sight to this grief. It fills my throat with burning hot ash and slices open my guts so they spill out in front of whomever I am standing in front of at the time. I embarrassedly scoop my innards back up and push them back into my body, mumbling "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I try to sew myself back together with shaky hands and a rusty needle I found in an old box of my husband's things.

"Good job! Look how you sewed yourself back up!" people worriedly say, with their crooked smiles and sad eyes. A quick pat on the back and back to their lives. I understand. We are all facing our own grief and mine shines a beacon on other people's wounds with laser-like focus. I want to be one of those people who can spiritually bypass their grief, and just "get on with things." I don't want to live with this pain anymore. I can't live with this pain anymore.

__________________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:


Living with Grief Resources:

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my InstagramTwitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Monday, June 20, 2016

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 136

Unlovable
This is Day 136 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

Talking about how deeply unlovable I feel all the time is one of the scariest, most vulnerable places for me. I can barely write about it. I can barely share it here. My feelings of unlovability make me feel even more unlovable — a never ending spiral into darkness. No one will ever love me the way he did. I am unlovable.

__________________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:


Living with Grief Resources:

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my InstagramTwitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.


Sunday, June 19, 2016

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 135

Sleeping Prayers

This is Day 135 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

The weekends are for sleeping. Sometimes I go to sleep with prayers and requests and hopes. I lay in bed and stare at my husband's altar and pretend he is lying beside me. The painting that hangs on my wall has been in my life for 20 years. I found it left out on the street in Santa Cruz and took it home. I think it's John the Baptist's mother, Elizabeth/Elisabeth/Elisheba. I've always kind of had an affinity with her, since she is the forgotten "divine mother," overshadowed by Mary. She watches over me at night. Sometimes my prayers are answered and on awakening I have clarity about how things will move forward in my life. Sometimes my prayers are answered with nightmares that rip and tear at my heart. But it is all divine. They are all answers of a kind.

__________________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:


Living with Grief Resources:

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my InstagramTwitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.