6 Months of Grief Project: Day 4

My furry boy & I

This is Day 4 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

Yesterday, I posted about the Tools of a Widow. Today I want to talk about the healing power of furry companions. Not everyone resonates with the four-legged furry ones (or the winged, or the reptilian), but if you do have a connection to animals, having a pet in your life is a life-saver as a widow.

I have twin tuxedo cats, who have been in my life for the last 5 years. After my beloved kitties Monkey and Mouse passed away within a week of each other, I was in deep grief. My husband let me feel my sadness for a couple of months and then finally, without telling me, he drove me to our local animal shelter. When we suddenly arrived at this place full of animals needing homes, I started crying and yelling at him. "How can you bring me here?" He responded that he had never understood how important an animal's unconditional love was until he lived with me and my kitties. He witnessed how soothing and comforting they were. He felt how welcome and loved they made him feel, when he would return home and I wasn't there. "It's time," he said. "We need some new furry love in our life."

When we walked into the shelter, we spent time with many, many different cats. One snaggletoothed old Persian named Dumbledore almost won our hearts, until we heard some chirping in the corner. In a cage that was far too small for the two of them, we saw what would soon become our sweet pair - Vixen and Dasher. The boy cat, Dasher, was doing pull-ups, like a frustrated inmate would do in his prison cell. And Vixen was vigorously washing her white belly, every now and then glancing up at us to make sure we were watching and noticing how pretty and clean she was.

My girl cat, Vixen, loves to hold paws with me...

We asked why they were jammed in to such a small cage together, and the animal shelter worker said that they panicked when they were separated, to the point where they would reach their paws out to touch each other, when they were in separate cages. We asked about their names, and it turned out that they were part of a huge cat hoarding rescue, with over 200 cats taken to various shelters across California. This particular shelter had gotten a litter of 9 Tuxedo cats, and since it was the day before Christmas when they arrived, they were named after Santa's reindeer. Their brothers and sisters were Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and of course, Rudolph. Apparently someone wanted to adopt Dasher, but they didn't want a girl cat named "Vixen" (that's how deep our slut-shaming, sexist culture goes!) and the shelter knew how connected and close these two were, so they refused to separate him. 

When we took them out of the cage, they immediately started climbing all over us, continuing with this funny, chirp/purr sound that they still make to this day. They kissed us and rubbed us and settled into our laps and it was immediately clear. These two were our new furry babies.

At this time, we were also going through fertility treatments to try and have a baby. Eventually, we stopped trying (and did an UnBaby Ritual honoring that choice), and our furry kitties began to get all the parental love we had been saving for our unborn child. And when my husband suddenly passed away, my cats noticed. They would stand on his side of the bed every night and meow loudly at me. This made me sob, as I tried to tell them, "Daddy is gone. He isn't coming back."

The picture at the top of this post, is of my boy cat, Dasher (and if you want to see an animated GIF of this photo, check out my Instagram feed). He's always been a wild child, dragging home gophers and mice to eat in front of me. He spends most of his waking life outside on the four acres of land we live on. But when he realized that my husband was gone forever, he started coming in and spending more time with me. He cuddles up against me whenever I am sitting down and gives me kisses and rubs whenever I will let him. Not to mention all the extra gophers and mice he brings me to eat! Both my kitties have been caring deeply for me in my grief and I am surviving in large part due to their love.

Do you have a beloved animal companion, as you sit with your grief?

And since I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing 

• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow

• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief 

• The Sun Magazine interview with Francis Weller, called The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses by Tim McKee

• The poetry of John O’Donohue

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

Be Your Own Beloved # 1

My finger toes grabbing my kitty Vixen's furry feet.

As I continue to re-open to my creative spirit after what seems like a LONG sabbatical, I am finding a lot of power in participating in simple but daily acts of making. Sometimes it's easy for me to do, but mostly it's difficult to commit to creating something every single day. That's why classes and workshops are so great! Deadlines and fellow students to connect with, as well as a nurturing guide and teacher, has helped me find my way back to my daily, spiritual practice of making.

My first foray back into the world of daily making through taking a class was with Flora Bowley's excellent painting e-course Bloom True. I have yet to share any images of my paintings, but since you are here visiting what often feels like a bit of a lonely blog, I'll give you a sneak peek! Please remember that this painting is UNFINISHED. Just one step in the process. I do love documenting my painting process. It's amazing to see how my paintings transform over the weeks and months. I used to be afraid that I would never finish a painting if I keep layering like this. But when I start to think like that, the fear sets in and I can't lift the brush. So I'm giving myself permission to possibly NEVER finish my paintings.

unfinished painting, tentatively entitled "The Owlet"

And this particular painting is very dear to me. I cried a lot while painting this little girl. I realized it was the part of me that MISSED playing and making every day. She's been waiting for me to pick my brushes back up and return to my creative, spiritual world.

And now (starting today!), I'm taking Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved 28 Photo Day Adventure. I love her simple, lovely description of the e-course:

Be Your Own Beloved is a 28 day photo adventure designed to cultivate self-reflection and self-compassion through the practice of taking self-portraits. They say it takes 28 days to change or start a new habit, so in the month of February, you are invited to take a small yet powerful action each day to be your own beloved this February and cultivate self-love and self-care during the month that is so focused on external love.

Self-Love is a big one for me. I struggle with it, daily. So I loved Vivienne's description of this e-course. Taking a self-portrait can be so challenging! All my body issues come up. I worry that it won't be "pretty." And in fact, her first assignment asked us to take a photo exactly at the moment we read her first e-mail. But my toes aren't painted! But my kitty is chewing on my feet! But I took the photo anyway. And I love it!

 I hope that I can take a photo a day. I am really committed to this. I am also ready for what may come up to sabotage and stop me. It's all part of the process! Staying open. Staying free. Staying authentic.