Surviving Year Two: Week 23

Time is a Circle

This is Week 23 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

This week I have been thinking a lot about time. Time changes when you are living in grief. It becomes more circular or spiral. The linearity of time breaks down completely.

I was watching old videos of my husband and a memory came flashing back to me. When I was 12-years-old, I saw the movie Starman with Jeff Bridges and Karen Allen.  This film stars a grieving widow and begins with her wearing her dead husband's shirt, sobbing, and drinking vodka out of a jam jar while she watches old movies of her handsome, funny, charismatic husband. This scene made me cry my eyes out. Some part of my wise 12-year-old girl heart KNEW what this character was feeling. I knew it deep inside my bones. My soul recognized this grief. How is that possible? How did I know what that kind of grief felt like at 12-years-old?

There are many theories about how time is non-linear. There are old stories and tales about the spiral effect of time. As a widow, there is also a deeper knowing that time actually does not "heal all wounds." Grief and "healing" does not work in a linear way. Instead, grief transforms. Grief shape-shifts.  Grief leaps about through time, peeking in to different stages of our lives and reminding us that death is always nearby — that death awaits us all.

When my husband first died, my grief felt like a metal cage, squeezing my heart within an inch of its life. Every breath was hard to take. Every step I took was wobbly. As I move through the spirals of time, the metal that formed that cage is changing. It is becoming stronger, but thinner, weaving itself deeply into my heart like a tapestry. Those iron bars are now steely threads. Instead of being hobbled and shackled by my grief, those hard, metal threads have woven themselves into my heart. My heart is made of grief now. This grief makes me strong. It is an armor I did not ask for, but am grateful to have. Things that used to scare and upset me, don't even make a dent in my life now. I have looked at the darkest places of life and survived. I have a wisdom I did not have before. I am a widow.

Thank you for witnessing me. See you next week.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 72

Staring Into the Emptiness

This is Day 72 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

I'm finally remembering my dreams again. I've been "dream traveling" through a spiral cave, much like the Ħal Saflieni Hypogeum in Malta, which is believed to be the oldest prehistoric underground temple in the world. I was lucky enough to visit the Hypogeum when I was a teenager, and there truly are no words to explain the energy, power and deep spiritual history of that place. It is the most ancient of Goddess sites, honoring the art and creativity of the death journey.

Every time I dream of my own spiral death cave, I visit a deeper layer and meet different people and entities. Some seem to be humans in grief, like myself - going through their personal spiral journey of sorrow. Some seem to live in this cave, either by force or by choice. Some seem to be more energetic, spirit entities, appearing and disappearing. It is dark, with only candles and oil lamps to light our way. Sometimes it is moist and wet and there is actual plant life growing, deep under the earth. Sometimes it is dry and dusty. I know it is an honor to be in this place, and I mostly walk wide-eyed and in awe of all I am seeing and feeling.

There are paintings and carvings on the walls, but I can't always see them because it is so dark or my tears are making my eyes blurry. It's quite crowded, which is interesting. You would think being in a spiral cave of sorrow would be a solitary journey, but I'm often jostled by the amount of people, entities and animals roaming about. I wake up from these dreams realizing that while in waking life, I feel the most alone I have ever felt in my life, in the dream world I am surrounded by presences whom are all participating in some aspect of the sorrow journey, be it as a helper, a sentinel, or a participant.

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Widowed Village
• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 48

A beautiful table top at Deetjen's Big Sur Inn

This is Day 48 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

Today I'm thinking a lot about the deep patterns of sorrow and grief. Even though it is heartbreaking, there is a solace in realizing that I am not the first to go through this pain. There are hundreds of thousands of widows past and present, who have survived the death of their beloveds. They spiral back, deep into history. We are all forced to face a new life alone. We are forced to remember how to do everything by ourselves. We are forced to feel our inner strength and resolve.

Grief is like a spiral. Almost daily, I spiral down into my deep grief, sometimes staying in bed all day crying and watching movies. Other days, I can spiral back up out of the depths and get out to the grocery store, and pull some weeds in the garden and laugh with friends. I always know that I am in this spiral and that things could change at any moment. This used to really frighten and overwhelm me, but I have become much more accustomed to the shifting moving places of my emotions.

Newgrange kerbstones via Newgrange.com

The spiral has always been one of the most powerful and important symbols of my life. It's an ancient concept, representing the cyclical nature of life - everything ends and everything begins again, just like the moon cycle, our menstrual cycles, the seasons, and on and on. And spirals have been carved and drawn and painted since the beginning of culture, art and making. We have found spirals engraved on small ornaments and on megalithic stones. The Newgrange kerbstones are decorated with spirals, providing an entrance to a sacred space. J

ust as there have been thousands of widows before me, there has been the spiral, inspiring, guiding and holding us. I draw spirals in times of sorrow, because it calms me down and focuses me. Try it the next time you are feeling anxious. It might help.

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

6 Months of Grief Project: Day 33

Grief Spirals

This is Day 33 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

The first week my husband passed away, my house was filled with people. It feels very strange to say this, but I miss that first week in a lot of ways. Even though my heart was broken and I was in shock and total confusion as to why my husband was suddenly dead, I had people surrounding me with love, cooking me food, washing the dishes, doing the laundry. Now my house is almost always empty, and I have to face these household tasks alone. They often don't get done, because I am too tired and too sad to face them.

That first week, my friends Bill and Lorna visited regularly with their two wild, smart, creative daughters. I will always remember how completely brave and unflinching these two little girls were in the face of my grief. I regularly sobbed and cried in front of them, and they simply witnessed me, quietly and deeply. Once I would finish sobbing, they would offer up something to do, like "do you want to draw with me now?" I have never seen a more perfect way to be with someone in grief. Kids can be such amazing teachers sometimes.

As we drew, I often could only move the pen on the page without much detail or finesse. Often the marks I would make would take the form of spirals. Today's photo is one of my favorite spiral pages. Drawing this powerful, archetypal image calmed me down, made me feel centered and helped me step out of my anxiety and fear.

We are right at the time of the New Moon and that is always a reminder to me that everything ends and everything begins again, just like the spiral.

_____________________

I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing

• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit

• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief

• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine

• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times

• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.

12 Principles of Creation Spirituality

12 Principles of Creation Spirituality

Many people ask me what my faith tradition is and I always answer that I am an ordained Interfaith Minister and that my spiritual practice is creativity. This can be a bit confusing, as I don't attend church regularly and I don't subscribe completely to any established faith tradition. I am deeply in awe of all the faith traditions in the world and they all speak to me on some level, and yet they all do NOT speak to me on another level.

But, when pushed, the closest thing to an established faith tradition that I can subscribe to is Matthew Fox's Creation Spirituality.  I won't go into the history of the how and the why of the creation of Creation Spirituality in this little blog post. What I will share with you are the 12 Principles of this movement. Explore these ideas in your own life and see if they resonate!

1. The Universe and all within it is fundamentally a blessing.
   Our relationship with the Universe fills us with awe.
   
   
2. In Creation, God is both immanent and transcendent. This is "panentheism" which is not theism (God is "out there") and not atheism (no God anywhere).
   We experience that the Divine is in all things and all things are in the Divine.
   
3. God is as much Mother as Father, as much Child as Parent, as much God in Mystery as the God in History, as much beyond all words and images as in all forms and beings.We are liberated from the need to cling to God in one form or one literal name.
4. In our lives, it is through the work of spiritual practice that we find our deep and true selves.
   Through the arts of meditation and silence, we cultivate a clarity of mind and move beyond fear into compassion and community.
   
5. Our inner work can be understood as a four-fold journey involving:
   
   • awe, delight, amazement (Via Positiva)
   • uncertainty, darkness, suffering, letting go (Via Negativa)
   • birthing, creativity, passion (Via Creativa)
   • justice, healing celebration (Via Transformativa)
   We weave through these paths like a spiral danced, not a ladder climbed.
   
6. Every one of us is a mystic.
   We can enter the mystical as much through beauty (Via Positiva) as through contemplation and suffering (Via Negativa). We are born full of wonder and can recover it at any age.
   
7. Every one of us is an artist.
   Whatever the expression of our creativity, it is our prayer and praise (Via Creativa).
   
8. Every one of us is a prophet.
   Our prophetic work is to interfere with all forms of injustice and that which interrupts authentic life (Via Transformativa).
   
9. Diversity is the nature of the Universe.
   We rejoice in and courageously honor the rich diversity within the Cosmos and what is expressed among individuals and across multiple cultures, religions, and ancestral traditions.
   
10. The basic work of God is compassion and we, who are all Original Blessings and sons and daughters of the Divine, are called to compassion.
    We acknowledge our shared interdependence. We rejoice at one another's joys and grieve at one another's sorrows and labor to heal the causes of those sorrows.
    
11. There are many wells of faith and knowledge drawing from one underground river of Divine wisdom. The practice of honoring, learning and celebrating the wisdom collected from these wells in Deep Ecumenism.
    We respect and embrace wisdom and oneness that arises from the diverse wells of all the sacred traditions of the world.
    
12. Ecological justice is essential for the sustainability of  life on Earth.Ecology is the local expression of cosmology and so we commit to live in the light of this value - to pass on the beauty and health of creation to future generations.
    

Lorraine Catherine Messing Kunigisky

My Grandmother, Lorraine

My grandmother, Lorraine Catherine Messing Kunigisky, passed away last week at the age of 89 years. Being her granddaughter was no bed of roses, but I learned a lot from her and have inherited her stubbornness, her sharp sense of humor and her love of creating and nature.

I have just returned from an intense but wonderful journey with my mother to South Beach, Oregon to lay my grandmother to rest and to meet and mourn with my family.

My uncle Dean asked me to hold the "spiritual" space for the family and I gladly obliged. As I was pondering what kind of ritual to do for my Grandmother, this wonderful idea popped into my head.

I went to the craft store and purchased some beautiful, smooth, brown river rocks. I then drew a golden spiral on each one.

After awhile, I had a giant pile of spiraled stones which I brought to the memorial service. I shared with my family and my Grandmother's friends why I chose to draw this spiral on all the stones. I wanted us all to remember that the circle is unbroken (as the old song says) and that even though Lorraine is no longer among the living, her spirit lives on in all of us - not just in our bodies and our blood, but in the stories we tell about her.

We held the memorial service in my Grandmother's house, because that's where she liked best to be and it is filled with her art and her vision of the world.

I learned so much about my Grandmother in that circle. As we sat and shared stories, I learned more about the store she opened in Niagara Falls, NY called Piquant. She sold some wild and beautiful things in that store and sadly, Niagara Falls in the 1960's was not ready for such cool and wild art!

She is also the first person in my life to not be cremated and she actually purchased a burial plot in the Eureka Cemetery in Newport, Oregon.  My mother and I went to her burial place, where the earth was still raw and wet.  It was a very powerful moment for me to look at this "freshly dug" grave and know that my Grandmother's shell of a body was lying just beneath.

Many people took the stones I created home with them, to remember Lorraine by - but those that were left I put on her grave. So the stones that soaked up the power of our circle can now be a part of her grave. 

All in all, a very powerful experience.

And I am so thankful to have re-connected with my cousins, whom I have not seen or talked to since I was about 12 years old.  We are all part Lithuanian on my Grandfather's side. Here is a photo of us all together:

(top row) My Uncle Dean, My Aunt Karen, My Cousin Chris, My Cousin Rich, My Mom
(bottom row) My Aunt Marjorie, My Cousin Trina, Myself and my Nephew Nathan

Moon Time

Nancy Passmore's Lunar Calendar

I've been thinking a lot about the Moon lately.  Perhaps because of the upcoming Total Lunar Eclipse happening tomorrow (during the full moon no less!). Perhaps because my husband and I are very focused on getting pregnant and I am tracking my moon (menstruation) cycle very carefully.

I've always been fascinated by how we as women sync up with the cycles of the moon.  I just ordered Nancy Passmore's Lunar Calendar. I love how this calendar honors the spiral movement of the days (not the square graph of regular calendars). I plan to record my moon time on the calendar and see if there are any patterns with the moon and its cycles.

And all this talk of menstruation(!) reminds me of my friend and fellow John F. Kennedy University Arts & Consciousness graduate Leah Libow's wonderful blog: hyster-y. She has some really fascinating entries of late, discussing her most recent solo exhibition which explored "the Feminine psyche rediscovering itself through reconnection to the womb."

"Lilith 1: Blood Ritual" by Leah Libow (2007)

In reading her blog entries, I especially enjoyed her description of trying to define art to a patron. It's so wonderful, I am going to reprint here (but read the whole thing here):

On the last day of my exhibition I was standing around the corner from the entrance of the gallery where my full frontal with menstrual blood was hanging. I overheard a woman (who was standing in front of this photo) say "You call that art?!" in a very sarcastic tone. As she rounded the corner, I faced her and said "Yes, I'm the artist." She asked which artist, and I told her "the one exhibiting in the hallway." "You mean the one showing photos of women having their period?!" "YES."

I'll refrain from boring you with the rest of the dialogue. Mostly it was me trying to pick up the pieces of my ego and defend my work. I did not do a good job of it because I was coming from a place of fear, anger and defensiveness instead of power and strength.  And I soon realized that I was speaking to an audience (she was its representative) whose opinion of art most likely included the impressionists and perhaps a few abstract painters as well, but did not include the 70's feminist artists or any conceptual or performance art. And then, after I took a few breaths and calmed down, I recalled that I had taken an entire course in graduate school which focused on the question "What is Art?"... and that even a bunch of art school grad students had trouble answering that one.

I appreciate Leah's truthfulness and transparency in her life as an artist.  Such an inspiration! I highly recommend hopping over and checking out her fabulous scene.