Surviving Year Two: Week 50

Today I am 45-years-old

This is Week 50 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

Today I complete my 45th revolution around the sun. It is also a New Moon. I am two weeks away from completing my #SurvivingYearTwo Grief Project, which is also the Two Year Anniversary of my husband's death.

It's stunning to me how quickly time passes these days. It's difficult for me to stay in the present, as I keep looking back to the past or being worried about the future. To stay grounded, I continue to excavate myself. I think this process of excavation and "digging into me" will play a big role in Year Three of my Grief Journey. My art projects are so essential for me to unravel and process my feelings as I move forward into my new life as a widow. I actually do a lot of this deep dive work on my radio show, and yesterday I recorded the newest episode, exploring some childhood loves and passions. It all stems from the question, "Who am I without my husband?"

As my birthday started to loom this year, all I wanted to do was hide and pretend it wasn't happening. I did not make any plans. Several friends ended up volunteering to celebrate with me, so I have a nice day planned with brunches and adventures. I am so grateful for these thoughtful friends, that love me and want to celebrate me, even when I can't do either for myself right now. Having my husband's death date be so close to my birthday really hurts. It's like a double-whammy of time passing — of him becoming further away from me, while I keep getting older and living my life without him. I hope that I will find joy again, around celebrating my birth. In the meantime, I will do my very best to be here now, and appreciate all the moments of joy I can.

Thanks for witnessing me. See you next week.