Surviving Year Two: Week 3

Lost & Found

This is Week 3 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

When he died, it felt like something broke inside me — like I was a wind-up toy with my clockworks torn out. I could limp along and function at the bare minimum, but nothing worked correctly, and I needed a lot of help.

I still catch myself waiting for something. I catch myself looking for something that is lost. Then I realize it is him I am waiting for. It is him who is lost, and I will never find him again because he is gone.  I am no one's special person anymore. No one wonders if I made it home safely. No one cares if I made dinner for myself or not.

I am slowly gathering up new pieces to replace my missing parts. In this place of losing everything, I am slowly finding old parts of me that I did not realize had been lost. There is immense power in being suddenly alone. I no longer have to answer to anyone else. I no longer have to bend and accommodate to another person's needs. Every single choice I make now, is for me and me alone.

Both Sides Now

And because I am suddenly alone, I had to get a full-time job, which severely cut down on my creative making time. But I am finding a way to prioritize that time, so that the weekends are full of new creations. I enjoy my job, but I have to have space to be strange and weird and make new images and videos and radio.

While I am loving and enjoying this time of creating, my heart is breaking because I cannot share my creations with my husband. He was my biggest cheerleader and helper in all my creative endeavors. I'm experimenting with new video ideas and new collaborations with wild, creative friends. I hope my husband is watching. I hope he is delighting in seeing me creatively blossom, in the midst of my broken-heartedness. I wish I could hear him laugh again, as he delighted in whatever weird thing I had recently made. I can hear him in my mind, saying what he often said to me in life: "You're amazing, baby. I love your beautiful mind."

Thank you for witnessing me. See you next week.