Surviving Year Two: Week 20

Living through the Holidays

This is Week 20 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

Today is Christmas Eve. I have an entire week of no work stretched out before me. I am scrambling to plan something to do every single day, so I don't fall into the deep well of sorrow, while still connecting deeply to the truth that I need a lot of alone time to process my grief. My late husband and I had several beloved traditions for the holidays. We always had a Winter Solstice Bonfire. We made tamales (sweet & savory) and gifted them to friends. We would have an ornament crafting party, where the goal was to make the strangest Christmas ornament possible. We would cook up and eat a lot of crab. We would run away to Desert Hot Springs for Christmas and soak in the healing waters of the high desert.

Just as I have been trying to reconnect with myself, now that I am a single widow with no partner, I have been trying to re-discover my own holiday traditions. What do I want to do with my holiday celebrations? So far, ornament crafting, hot water and eating crab have played a role, but so has quiet contemplation, filling the house with candles, and drawing in my journal.

I am moving slowly, at the pace of a snail. I am collecting the diamonds I leave in my little snail trail. I am breathing. I am finding new ways to love myself. I am becoming my own beloved in this new year of new beginnings and old endings.

Thank you for witnessing me. See you next week.