Surviving Year Two: Week 39

The Many Lenses of Grief

This is Week 39 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.


Next weekend is my Flowering Healing Ritual, which I have been planning and creating for months. I've been incredibly anxious and worried about it, and now that I am in the last precious weekend before, I seem to have found a place of calmness. There is still so much to do — too much, in fact. But I find myself in a place of letting things unfold however they will. One of my dear friends is driving up from southern California to stay with me next weekend and one of my priorities was making a nice nest for her in my spare room. This room has been filled with what I have been calling my "Mourning Boxes," ever since my husband died. They are boxes full of things I did not want to look at or deal with.


Today, I started the daunting task of going through these boxes. I've started sorting and filling up boxes to give away to the thrift store. I have cried many times and yet it also feels good to really look at these things and ask myself if I want to keep them in my life. My husband was a scavenger and he prided himself on the prizes he found in his scavenging. I have kept many of his prizes that were not prizes to me, out of an obligation to him. I am letting those things go and I know he is glad of it. The spare room also used to be my painting studio, and it feels exciting to liberate my paints and canvases from behind the boxes — to let them breathe again.


I have not yet been able to pick up a paint brush since my husband died. I was just about to start a brand new, giant canvas when he passed away and every time I have thought of painting again, I start to sob. I'm still not ready, but opening up that space to invite in art and beloved friends feels good. It all feels part of this ritual — that it is already working on me, before it has even happened. I find that ritual often works that way.


Thanks for witnessing me. See you next week. Speaking of which, if you find yourself able to send some love and healing thoughts my way, the afternoon/evening of May 13, 2017, please do so. I will be moving through some powerful energies and I believe in the power of good thoughts and prayers. Every little bit helps. Thank you.