Surviving Year Two: Week 43

Inside the Flowering

This is Week 43 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here. 

It's been three weeks since my Healing Grief - Flowering Ritual. In many ways, it feels like much more time has passed. I have solidly returned to my "every day life" — back to the day-to-day of work, weightlifting, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. And yet, the ritual is staying with me. I am surprised by the subtle but important ways it is shifting me.

Thanks to the recommendation of a friend, I was introduced to Open Human Heart work. It's been a very powerful practice to be grounded and present in my deepest, most authentic feelings. This has helped me a lot with "being okay" with my grief and rage around the loss of my husband, while also giving me re-access to my deepest joy. Being led to this work and really embracing it, feels like part of my flowering — welcoming in new blooms in myself.

Week 3 of the Ritual Seeds Planted

It's as if I have stepped sideways back into my life. It's still my life, but I have a slightly new perspective. I have still felt extremely deep grief since my ritual. I've woken up crying and afraid in the night. But, my vessel feels stronger. Through my ritual work and now this new modality with the Open Human Heart work, I feel more at home in my feelings. There is a vibrancy and solidity to my heart and mind and body. I feel more hopeful about the future. In many ways I am living more deeply in the unknown. I am understanding that I truly have no control over what is happening or going to happen in my life and in the world. What I DO have is the ability to be as completely present as I possibly can in any situation, and stay as open as possible to the wisdom of my heart and my feelings.

It's interesting how many times I have been told that I am "brave and strong" for being so open about my feelings on my grief journey. I don't doubt that I am brave and strong, but I am also doing the most natural thing for a human to do. Our culture has trained us to not be "weak" and show our dark side to the world, when in the deeper truth of the matter, our feelings in the most vulnerable of places can be the source of immense power and vitality. 

I remember when I was ordained as an Interfaith Minister, our ordination group co-wrote our vows together and one of my contributions was "power in vulnerability." Some members of the group really resisted including that vow, and yet for me, it is one of the most powerful, truthful vows we committed to.

Thanks for witnessing me. See you next week.