6 Months of Grief Project: Day 98

A Sea of Grief

This is Day 98 of my #6MonthsOfGrief Project. To learn more about this practice, feel free to visit Day One, where I explain this project in more detail.

This evening I received really heartbreaking news. My friend who has been living with three forms of cancer was told by his doctors that there is nothing more they can do for him. I received this news while driving home from work and I held back the tears until I could get home. I know he wants me to be strong for him, but I can't. The thought of watching another person I love die is unbearable. And yet, what else can I do but be a good friend to him, through his journey?

When I got home I sobbed in the shower. There is so much that has to get done tonight, including feeding myself and my kitties, but all I can do is sit and and cry and ask myself over and over:

How will I survive this?

How will I survive this?

How will I survive this?

Two days ago I put on this golden sand dollar pendant. I don't know why I put it on, but I have not been able to take it off. It reminds me of the sea and the sea always reminds me of my friend. It falls gently between my breasts and it is a sensual reminder of his love for me. My friend is in shock and does not want me near him right now. I'm told this is quite normal for people who have just found out that their cancer is terminal. I want to be with him. To hold him. To cry with him. But I have to respect his wishes. He gets to travel this journey exactly how he wants to do it.

So I sit and I cry by myself and I hold the sand dollar in my hand and I think about the vastness of the ocean, and how this man has sailed it so many times without dying. I think about how there is no grief quota — how I had to watch my husband suddenly die before my eyes and now I will watch my friend die more slowly from cancer. OR he might not let me be with him on his death journey, and I have to be okay with that choice as well.

I am so sad. I am so tired.

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I am very aware that this project can bring up a lot around yours or other's grief and loss, I will always follow every post with some online grief support resources that have helped me. Please feel free to let me know of online support that you have found healing in your grief, as well:

Art with Grief:

• Filmmaker Gemma Green Hope made a short animation in memory of her grandmother 
• Photographer [Sarah Treanor] Takes Moving Self-Portraits to Cope with Her Fiance's Death by Jillian Wong
• When the Fall Comes, a film about Grief by Adriana Marchione
• Self-Portraits: Expressing Emotion Through Art on What's Your Grief?
• The Hard Romance of Grief by Mark Liebenow
• The poetry of John O’Donohue

Resources for Widows:

• Widowed Village
• Camp Widow

• Soaring Spirits International

Living with Grief Resources:

• Modern Loss's excellent resource list
• The writings of Tim Lawrence
• The Rules of Grief are for Other People by Shawn Doyle on The Good Men Project
• Grief Bibliography on Grief Healing
• Teresa “TL” Bruce's What to Say When Someone Dies
• They Brought Cookies: For A New Widow, Empathy Eases Death's Pain by Ann Finkbeiner on NPR
• A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit
• Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief
• The Geography of Sorrow: Francis Weller on Navigating Our Loses, interviewed by Tim McKee in Sun Magazine
• How to Be a Friend in Deed by Bruce Feiler in the New York Times
• 12 Things to Know About the First Year of Grieving Someone You Can’t Live Without by Laurie Costanza in Elephant Magazine

And remember, I am sharing this project on a variety of platforms, including my Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook feeds, as well as my Pinterest page on Grief. I use the hashtag #6MonthsOfGrief, so it can easily be found on any platform. Please share this project with anyone you think might need it.

Thank you, and see you tomorrow.