I am approaching Month 4 of Surviving Year Two as a Sudden Widow. Last week was Thanksgiving, and I actually had a very nice long weekend, filled with friends and hope and laughter. This week, things took a sudden turn and I feel as if I have fallen into the dark well of despair yet again.
I know that I have a tendency to fall into a place of "magical thinking," and this can often lead to unrealistic expectations — of myself, other people and the world. I had built up my hopes about a certain situation and convinced myself that my late husband was helping me make it happen, but this week I realized that I made it all up in my head and that there are only more empty nights alone in my future. It feels like my heart is breaking all over again and I must experience yet another layer of the loss of my husband, the loss of my love, and the loss of being loved.
Feeling unlovable is a brutal paradigm. I don't want to dwell here, and yet here I am again. I know that I must stand up and remember how to love myself and not seek that love in others, but as a recovering co-dependent, that is so hard to do. Maybe it is better that I am alone. Maybe it is better to sit in this fire and feel the blackest, most hateful parts of myself shred my heart apart and toss the away the pieces, so the crows can eat them. Maybe I should let this despair devour me until there is nothing left.