This is Week 46 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.
I am sinking into the earth. I want to let it consume me — let it strip away all the dead parts of my body and turn me into something new.
These last few weeks have been extremely difficult. I miss being excited and hopeful. I miss looking forward to things. I keep trying to think of things to be excited about, but nothing seems to penetrate my depressed darkness. My art making leaves me feeling empty. I go to parties and smile and laugh, but it's like there is a giant hole in my heart and I know that nothing can fill it. I feel like an addict that has no addiction. This giant hole in my heart just exists. I just exist. I feel like a shell of who I once was and I don't know how to re-build.
Those older widows were right. Year Two is 1,000 times harder than Year One. And I hear Year Three is even worse. I can't imagine hurting more than this, but I guess I have to get ready for more. How do we survive this kind of heartbreak as humans? I know so many strong widows, who have re-built their lives and have found joy again. What if I can't do that? What if I am just too broken? What then?
My dreams tell me to keep making art, no matter what. Even when it feels hollow and empty and meaningless — keep creating. So that is what I will do and I will try to find some tiny pebbles of hope on the path and put them in my pocket.
Thanks for witnessing me. See you next week.