Surviving Year Two: Weeks 8 & 9

Half in the Light & Half in the Dark

This is Week 8 & 9 of my Surviving Year Two Grief Project. Details about all my Grief Projects, as well as Grief Resources can be found here.

It is Fall. The Summer is over, as is the One Year Anniversary of his death. I am now a solid two months into Year Two of being a Widow.

Just as the days are getting shorter and the nights are getting longer, I feel like I am sitting at a threshold, between light and dark. I can look behind me and see the bleak blackness I have been living in for the last year. I can look ahead of me and see a lighter landscape, that has laughter and friendship and hope.

There are a lot of reasons why this shift is happening for me right now. First and foremost, time has passed. I have been forced to somehow get used to this new, single life. I still resist it every day, but I am also letting myself see some of the nice parts about being on my own again. I also got to spend some really great weekends with one of my dearest and best friends, and being with someone who has known and loved me since I was 18-years-old is very healing and empowering. Thanks to a very generous gift from a friend, I was able to have a phone session with a psychic healer who, while being a tad on the "tough love" side of things, did help me realize that my husband is present at all times and can be called upon for help whenever I need him. I am not "alone" in that sense. He is with me and I think I finally feel and understand that.

I still fall back in the darkness. It reaches out and grabs me at the most sudden moments. But more and more I am realizing that those dark feelings do pass eventually and I find my way back into the light. It is a process and a journey that will never end — it will only transform.

Justin Hunter Pageantry Award, Given out at the 2016 Petaluma Whiskerino

The wonderful Petaluma Whiskerino had their 58th annual Bill Soberanes Memorial Whiskerino yesterday and I was honored to be a judge. It was such a great time and a memorial award for Pageantry was given out in my husband's honor, which I know he is over the moon about. They gave out this award last year as well, and invited me to be a judge, but it was too painful, so soon after my husband's death. This year, it felt celebratory and healing, which is also a sign that my grief is transforming and healing.

I am looking towards the light, knowing that the darkness is right behind me.

Thank you for witnessing me. See you next week.