Be Your Own Beloved #27

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a month - but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

I've got big strong legs. They carry me through this world.

Today's assignment is to "gift ourselves with Bravery," which is such a perfect way to phrase it, because when we are brave, face our fears and take action, it can feel like the most delicious gift possible. Vivienne asked specifically "What type of photo could you do today that would feel empowering, knowing that we are here to catch that brave act and hold it safely?" One of her suggestions was to take "a photo from an unexpected angle" which really excited me. When I combined that idea with being brave, I knew immediately what I wanted to do... and I was petrified.

I am a big-legged woman. I'm pretty sure I inherited these powerful tree trunk legs from my Mother's Mother, which makes them Scottish-German legs, good for pulling the plow and withstanding strong winds of change. My big legs do great things for me every day - besides just the usual holding me up and carrying me though the world. They are strong for weightlifting. They are strong for dancing. They are strong for jumping. But they are also not conventionally attractive and I have always felt shameful of them. I have hid them most of my life and even now, it is rare that I ever wear shorts - but I do wear skirts and show my bare legs, so I'm getting there.

Another from the Big Legs series.

When I read today's assignment, I knew that it was time to take a picture of my legs. I was so scared to begin, but just as Vivienne said, it was such a gift to give myself. I ended up spending over an hour taking pictures of my legs and playing with the images. I started to delight in the vastness of my thighs and the texture and curves of my big calves. I now have a whole series of leg pictures and I want to take more! If it weren't for this assignment, I probably never would have focused on my legs so intently and discovered a deeper layer to their beauty. Being brave truly is a gift.

Be Your Own Beloved #26

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a month - but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Fat Lady Jumping for Joy!

In today's assignment Vivienne asked us to celebrate ourselves. One of the examples she used was to take a jumping photo, which I have always wanted to do, but was a bit scared and intimidated by the idea. Whenever I am this scared about something, I know I need to do it. My main fear stems from the same fear I had when my weightlifting coach asked me to jump rope for the first time. I'm a really big woman and as all people who carry around a lot of adipose tissue know, we jiggle and wiggle so jumping feels especially intense.

Of course now, I jump all the time at the gym - I jump rope, and I do Olympic Weightlifting, which involves hoisting heavy weights over my head while jumping. So why was I so afraid to just jump, while getting my photo taken? I'm not sure I have the answer to that question. My only thought, in this moment, is that it's a different kind of jumping than jumping rope or lifting weights. It's somehow, more intense. I was trying to jump really high and pick up my feet (the perspective in this photo doesn't quite show you how high I jumped!). I wanted to really levitate off the ground. I was reaching for the sky and really giving it my all. It felt powerful and scary and exposed and invigorating.

Close-Up with The Girls almost popping out to say hello!

My husband took lots of pictures of me jumping and this set of images (taken with the QuadCamera - MultiShot app) was the one I finally picked. I'm laughing in this one and having a really good time. Jumping is so invigorating! And it really helps me be in my body after a day of computer work. My body is still vibrating from all the jumping! I definitely think I'm going to jump like this on a more regular basis - just go outside and jump as HIGH as I can!

Full Hare Moon

Hare and Moon - by Susan Seddon Boulet

Tonight is a Full Hare Moon, also called Milk Moon, Dragon Moon, Planting Moon, Panther Moon, Moon When Leaves are Green, Moon to Plant, Bright Moon, Grass Moon, Flower Moon & Full Corn Planting Moon. It's also a SUPERMOON, which means the moon will be closest it will be to the Earth for the calendar year. AND there's also a partial eclipse! That's some powerful moon magic!

Sometimes folks ask me why I care so much about the moon and its phases. My answer is two-fold. On personal level, I've tracked my menstrual cycle with the Moon for the last 5 years and 100% of the time, my cycle starts when the moon is apogee (farthest from the earth). That's significant! I also have never met another person where this is true, so if it this is true for you, let me know! On a global level, we are all "bags of mostly water" as the old Star Trek episode says and the Moon affects the tides, so why wouldn't it affect us and our moods and energy? Again, this is significant!

There are some great stories about the Moon-Gazing Hare that can be found on the wonderful Celtic Lady website. ENJOY!

Be Your Own Beloved #25

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a month - but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Being My Own Friend

Today's assignment is to take a photo inspired by being my own friend. Vivenne also asked us to look at our photo and tell ourselves something we see in that photo that is positive, so this assignment has a really wonderful self-love vibe. This photo was actually taken during one of my many self-care walks. I also had been playing around with blur and focus (thanks to another assignment from Vivienne) and this is one of the photos from that experiment.

I've been wearing this tarnished, tattered heart since Mother's Day, which is a very difficult day for me to get through due to a variety of reasons. I didn't really realize why I needed to wear this heart, until I looked at this photo and realized it was a symbol of self-soothing during a really painful time. This funny little heart feels like such a perfect object to represent my fierce heart that has been through so much. It's kind of twisted and a little warped and the gold is wearing off and yet I just ADORE how it looks and it feels so good to wear.

Nature Goddess Hippie Child Cartoon Girl

I also love that my hyacinth hair comes through so beautifully in this photo, as well as all my moles and freckles. I take a lot of candid photos, where I am not looking at the camera, so I get a lot of these "looking off into the distance" photos, which I also really adore. There is a peacefulness and a calm in this images that translates directly to my soul and I just love it.

I've included the second photo because I feel kind of embarrassed about it and that's a good photo to include in a post about self-love! This is another blended photo which includes me doing a very nature goddess-like pose. The picture of my face was run through Toonpaint, to get that cool, comic illustration look. This witchy goddess is a very big part of me and I don't like being embarrassed of her. I want to invite her out more!

We Are Love

8th Anniversary card I made for my husband

8 years ago today, my husband and I jumped in the ocean and sealed our life commitment to each other. My father, a Unitarian Minister, among many other things, signed the license and we were hitched! My man and I have a very creative, crafty kind of love, so it makes sense that we both made each other cards to celebrate. My card opens up, but the insides are kind of naughty, so I'm keeping that private!

When we became engaged, we went to visit the infamous Hugging Guru, Amma. When we told her we were soon to be wed, she said something to one of her translators and he said, "Amma says, instead of saying 'I love you,' say instead, 'we are love.'" Than he nodded his head and smiled. It was the most perfect blessing we could have possibly received. And it really is the perfect thing to say - because the idea that "I" can give love to "you" is an illusion. The only choice is either to be love, or not be love - to emanate love and embrace it, or not. Try saying it with people you share love with. It's fun!

Be Your Own Beloved #24

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a month - but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Photo walks as self-care

In today's assignment, Vivienne asked us to take a photo walk as self-care. This is something I do quite regularly, so I decided to blend and play with images I already have from my photo walks. I happen to live in one of the best cities for good gardens, so I regularly pick a new neighborhood to walk around and take pictures of beautiful plants and gardens. This inspires me and energizes me on so many levels. In this photo I am sniffing a rose (which I than ran through the ToonPaint app to get that great illustrative look). I then overlaid this image (using another favorite app, Blender) onto a picture of a fruit tree I took on a different walk. I love how it came out!

Making time for walks can be tricky sometimes, but they are so good for my creative soul, as well as my physical body.

Be Your Own Beloved #23

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a month - but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Purple Blur

Hey! Two days in a row! I'm on a roll! Today's assignment is to explore focus and blur. Since I am only taking photos with an I-Phone, I was thoroughly stumped as to how to keep one part of the photo focused while keeping the rest blurred. I ended up having to do it afterwards. And I have SO MANY photo apps, that I honestly cannot remember which ones I used here (yes, I often double-up on the photo manipulation)!

I'm actually starting to think it would be really lovely to get a REAL camera, since so many of my photos are too small to print and will forever live only online, but that would mean I would have to admit that I might actually be a Photographer and I'm not ready to own that quite yet. I'm working on it! And in many ways, this photo really captures my unsureness about it all. What's coming down the path towards me? Am I ready for it? My intention is to be as ready as possible for whatever comes next!

Be Your Own Beloved #22

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course. Sometimes it takes me longer - like a month - but I'm dedicated to finishing this project!

Lavender Hyacinth Hair, you are mine! With HUGE thanks to MJ Hahn.

Hey! It's been exactly a month since I was able to accomplish my last photo for this project! If ever I doubted that my Totem Animal is The Snail, I now have proof (but that's for a different blog post). The next assignment from Vivienne is to take a picture inspired by this quote:

"People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where other have not dared to look including inside ourselves." ~ Salma Hayek

Once again, I was paralyzed by this assignment. I have a long history of difficulty in practicing self-love. It's gotten better, by leaps and bounds, but when faced with the direct request of seeing my beauty as the beholder, I was frozen.

Meanwhile, I was starting to notice some serious grey hair coming in at my temples. I'll soon be 41-years-old (which is SHOCKING to me) and I'm starting to feel the shift in our culture where women "of a certain age" disappear from view - they are no longer "attractive" and therefore they don't deserve to be paid attention to or take up space. My friend Tam once said that she wanted to start a covert spy group of women over 40 - no one would notice us so we could get away with everything!

And, quite frankly, being a fat woman, I've always been somewhat excluded from the "cult of beauty" that women are harassed into joining from about age 9. This both liberated me and shamed me as a growing girl and woman.

Side view of all the purple power.

So, as I was contemplating my grey hair, I started to ask myself, "Tristy, girl, what do YOU want? How do YOU want to look?" I knew I wanted a big, drastic change. I wanted a SHOCKING transformation. I wanted to celebrate who I am now, celebrate my new glasses and be the beautiful, witchy nerd I know myself to be. So when I consulted with my amazing hair stylist (the multi-talented MJ Hahn - Check out his great gothic horror podcast/writing!) he suggested TWO big changes - getting bangs and getting some lavender highlights. I was nervous, but I felt so ready! So I said yes!

And now you see the results! And as I was looking at these photos and staring at myself in the mirror (asking "is that really me?") I realized that I was truly beholding my beauty. Not just because I have lavender hair, but because my new do reflects the silly beautiful joy I feel in myself. It reflects the "I don't care how society looks at me" feeling I've been having lately - which surprisingly, has lead me to some really deep, self-love. I'm seeing my beauty and really appreciating it in these photos and that can only lead to more and more self-love. Exciting!