Be Your Own Beloved #15

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

The Truth of Today

Today's assignment is about documenting the truth of today. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me. Catching the flu made my body shut down and feel so terrible and when I'm feeling that sick, my emotional well-being seems to take a toll as well. As I get better, I want to go back to my active life but my body jumps in and reminds me that I am still recovering. I still need lots of sleep and quiet. This makes me feel sad and it all starts to feel like a mean circle of pain and sadness.


But things are looking up. I had the energy to take this picture and write about it and share it. This is a triumph. I am on the mend. More and more I am learning to not judge my natural states of being so harshly. It's so liberating to honor them instead. It is all part of me loving myself and that is a very good thing!

Be Your Own Beloved #14

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Painting a Love Letter to Myself

This flu has completely thrown me off track for this project. Today, I am finally feeling like I can function like a real human being again. So, I am picking up where I left off - The Valentine's Day assignment of writing ourselves a love letter. When I read Vivienne's assignment, I knew immediately that I wanted to paint my love letter. I always have layer upon layer in my paintings and I often write myself notes in these layers. You rarely can see my words in the final piece (although sometimes some faint words come through) but I always know they are there and I feel that they infuse the painting with spiritual energy and power. I learned this process from the wonderful Flora Bowley.

Self-love is a big one for me. I feel like it is one of my life's never-ending journeys. Sometimes if feels like a completely foreign land to me. I put on my anthropologist hat and study the people in my life whom I feel really, truly love themselves. How do they do it? How do they always choose their well-being first? What does it feel like in their bodies, to truly love themselves? Sometimes this is helpful, but I am realizing that my self-love is unique to me and is going to look differently than the self-love of anyone else.

Love Painting Letter to Myself

This is the Love Painting Letter I wrote to myself. It feels very vulnerable to share it with the world, but it also feels important. I chose to love myself today and to express it in this creative, public way and that feels like a gift.

Be Your Own Beloved #13

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Flirting with the Camera

I'm finally feeling human again, after getting this horrible flu. I'm now four days behind in this project, which bums me out, but life isn't perfect and neither am I. Today, Vivienne asked us to flirt with the camera. Once I felt healthy enough to even remember how to flirt(!) I knew that I wanted to use the beautiful roses that my husband got me for Valentine's Day. Flowers always make me feel beautiful and sexy. In the old days, I would wear a flower in my hair at least twice a week! I've got to get back into that. It felt so good to reconnect with my playful side, even as I was coughing every other minute.

I'm glad hospitals have such cool gowns!

I did take self-portraits while I was ill, but none seem to really fit into this project. When I was in the hospital, getting my chest x-rayed, I was excited to see that my gown had power diamond pyramids on it! I thought that was a good sign and I did get good results from my x-ray - no pneumonia! I do have bronchitis, so I continue to take life one day at a time and work on getting better!

Be Your Own Beloved #12

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

A Day of Rest

Sleep. Rest. Heal. Self-Care. Self-Love

Be Your Own Beloved #11

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Exploring Light

The thing I was most afraid of while doing this project, happened. I missed a few days. I came down with a horrible flu and am now dealing with a sinus infection. For the last two days, I haven't been able to stand up, let alone take a self-portrait. It's hard to let go of "being a good student" and not getting a daily post up (not to mention that I am now two days behind)!

But life happens. Sickness happens. Rest and self-care needs to happen and that's what I've been giving myself. And today, as I returned from the doctor, the light was coming into the house in the most beautiful way and I was able to snap a picture. I am really excited to play and explore more with light in my self-portraits. One day at a time.

Be Your Own Beloved #10

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

A New Mirror Story

Today, our assignment is to re-connect with mirrors in a new way. One of Vivienne's suggestions was to bring a mirror outside and that possiblity got me very excited. I had a very busy day today, so as the sun was starting to set I ran outside with my old mirror and took a whole series of shots. I perched that mirror in all kinds of crazy places and thankfully it did not break!

I love the playfulness of this picture. It's nice to have some simple fun after so many intense days of healing with this project! Both are good and both are necessary. Today's assignment was such a good reminder about making time to enjoy my beautiful yard every day and to keep dancing!

Be Your Own Beloved #9

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Being Open to Love

Today, we were encouraged to be open to love, however it appeared to us throughout the day. I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so I'm being very quiet and restful at home. When we truly open ourselves to being loved, it can be the most powerful and vulnerable experience on earth and when I think about that feeling in my body, I feel it deeply in my chest/heart area, so I knew that I wanted my portrait to reflect that part of my body.

As I was wandering around, getting tea and settling in for a quiet, restful day at home, my eyes fell on some wooden heart cut-outs I have. I love these little hearts, because they are essentially the "garbage" of a friend's laser cut-out project - unwanted hearts! Fortunately, he knows of my love for little objects, so he brought a whole bag of them over to my house and they now are scattered about on various altars and table tops throughout my house to always remind me of the amazing love I have in my life, both for myself and others.

And even though it is SO frustrating to stay inside and quiet on such a gorgeous day like today, my body is being very clear with me that sickness is on the horizon if I don't rest, so today is also about a deep, caring love for my body - trusting that rest today will bring fun outside and joyful gatherings with friends in the near future!

Be Your Own Beloved #8

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Transforming Darkness

Another intense day with this project! Today, Vivienne asked us to talk to our Gremlins and transform the negative voices into positive ones. I sat with this theme for most of the day, feeling so scared of talking to the darker parts of myself. I have completely committed to a path of healing and transformation, but sometimes it's so hard to look at my darkest places in the eye! Finally, I was able to discourse with the fierce critic in my head, who loves to shut me down and make me feel bad about myself.

I've talked to this part of myself many times. Sometimes she is a harsh taskmaster, sometimes she is a scared little girl, sometimes she is a stern mother, sometimes he is an abandoning father. I took the last sheet of some very precious stationary I had been saving, and wrote a letter to "the Darkness" (which seems to sum up all the voices, including my deep self-hatred and depression). I wrote with my favorite bright pink permanent pen and I thanked the voices for protecting me, but now it's time for them to step aside. I'm in control and I'll make the choices now.

Pink Words Burn

And then I went outside and burned the letter up. Fire is one of the simplest and most powerful rituals we have access to. This was the first time that I could not carefully control how my self-portrait came out. I took as many pictures as I could with the burning page in my hand until it was gone. I assumed that I didn't capture any "great shots," but lo and behold, I caught one moment that took my breath away. I even forgot to take my glasses off, and yet the glasses make the photo even more amazing!

Goodbye Darkness, Self-Hate and Depression. You have no power over me anymore. Goodbye.

Be Your Own Beloved #7

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Self-Reflection

Today's prompt is about Self-Reflection. I immediately knew that I wanted to use an old, lower-case letter "t" mirror that a friend scavenged for me a long time ago. As I was wandering around the house with it, wondering where to take some pictures, my eyes fell onto the picture of my Great Grandmother, and I suddenly felt this STRONG desire to include her in my portrait, somehow. Of all my ancestors, she seems to be the one I have the most karma with. Even though I never met her, she weaves her way through my life in the most startling ways.

*trigger warning: lost pregnancy*

In March 2007, I experienced a ruptured tubal pregnancy. This was particularly heartbreaking, because we had been trying to get pregnant for many years. The emergency surgery resulted in my losing my only working fallopian tube and essentially closed the door on my ever being able to be a biological mother (although sadly, it took us many more years of trying to discover this fact). Five years later, I co-created a Mourning Ritual & Un-Baby Shower to mourn the loss of my life as a Mother. It wasn't until the day of my Un-Baby Shower (held on the anniversary of my lost pregnancy) that I realized that my Mother's Mother's Mother died giving birth to my Grandmother ON THE VERY SAME DAY.

Thankfully, we live in a time when modern medicine could save my life. I survived my pregnancy. My Great-Grandmother did not. But the daughter she birthed survived and grew up to give birth to my mother, who then grew up and gave birth to me. The "Lady Legacy" of my family comes with a lot of heartache and sorrow and pain, but also a fierce creative streak, undeniable psychic abilities and a deep love for animals.

Why are my Great-Grandmother Elizabeth and I intertwined in this palpable way? I may never really know the answer, but I have glimpses through doing art, crafting ritual and doing healing work with my family. And this self-portrait is another moment of healing, understanding and love. I also love that my painting of St. Anne is peeking over my shoulder, watching over both us - that was a delightful accident!

Be Your Own Beloved #6

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Looking Myself in the Eyes

Today Vivienne asked us to take a portrait where we look ourselves in the eyes with love. Sounds simple, right? I was amazed at how long it took me to take a photo were I could see/feel the love in my eyes. So many pictures I took looked worried, concerned and tense. I had to take lots of breaks and come back to the camera again and again. Finally, after a long hard workout and a shower, I felt the peacefulness of the moment. I felt present in my body and grateful for my life. One picture and I was done.

For me, this is a process of continuing to let go of year and years of fear. Those of you who grew up not feeling safe and/or survivors of trauma, know what I'm talking about. Only now, at 40-years-old, do I feel like the tight grip of fear in my soul is slowly loosening. I am relaxing into this body and opening up to loving myself unconditionally.

Be Your Own Beloved #5

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Movement & Stillness

Today, Vivienne asked us to explore how either movement or stillness can be an invitation to be present in our bodies. She has also talked about how we might be starting to feel some resistance to this project. The first four assignments flowed easily for me. This was the first day that I experienced some resistance and struggle. I didn't want to do something "boring" and "expected" like twirling around in a pretty dress (even though, that's what I wanted so much to do!). So I sat with my resistance and then let myself twirl in a pretty dress and take lots of pictures!


Once I had worked through a little of that resistance (through being kind to myself and giving myself permission to be "boring"), I felt a little more free to explore. I used the QuadCamera app, to capture four moments of stillness while in movement. I made myself dizzy, spinning around and trying to keep the camera steady! I took more photos in one session than I have since beginning this project, and it was also REALLY DIFFICULT to pick the "final photo" to represent today's theme. I finally decided on this one and immediately I had more resistance. Vivienne had asked us to share ONE picture per day - am I "breaking the rules" because this photo technically has four images? And what about the fact that one of the images is just my back-yard? There is such a harsh, critical judge in me! After more self-soothing and self-kindness, I found my way to forgiveness and gentleness. This is the photo I want to use and that's perfect.

I am really amazed and moved by how such a simple act of taking a self-portrait-a-day can bring up SO MUCH in me! It's really an amazing and powerful spiritual practice!

Be Your Own Beloved #4

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

My Arms are STRONG!

Today, Vivienne asked us pick one part of our bodies as inspiration and tell a story that feels positive, as we chart our course to see ourselves with kindness. Growing up as a big girl who is now a big, 300 lb. woman, I have always struggled with my body and how it looks. Our American culture tells me every single day how "ugly" and "undesirable" I am. Thankfully, we now have the Internet and I can reach out and find other amazing fat women who are fierce and beautiful and inspiring. The fat community online has taught me so much about loving myself.

And the other thing that has taught me how to love my body, amazingly enough, is weightlifting. I have written a lot about my weightlifting journey already, so I'm not going to go into how I got into weightlifting and all of that. What I will say is that it's amazing that I found a sport that embraces my body just as it is and where in fact, having a large body is actually a plus. As Olympic Super-Heavyweight and amazing person Cheryl Hayworth said in the excellent film STRONG! "Mass moves mass."

Here I am doing triple snatches at 39 kilos (85.8 lbs)

I used Vivienne's prompt to think about a "part" of my body that I'm sometimes embarrassed of and find a way to look at it in a new and beautiful light. I've always had big arms. When I was young (and weighed FAR less than I do now), you would never have caught me wearing sleeveless tops, but now that I'm a lifter, I wear sleeveless shirts all the time. My arms are STRONG and they help me get those weights up over my head every week!

I loved today's assignment and I definitely want to create more photos about "parts" of my body that I am often ashamed of and write a NEW story.

Be Your Own Beloved #3

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

"Playfulness is the antidote to fear."

I think most people in my life would say that I am extremely playful. I'm a bit of a silly, ham-bone clown who loves attention and performing and giggling. But when Vivienne asked us to document our playfulness, I froze up a little bit. How do I document something that a) comes so naturally to me and b) usually needs other people? Most of my friends were busy working or watching the Super Bowl today, so I had to make fun on my own.


I knew that if I was going to get to playful on my own, I had to connect with the little girl part of me. The one I call "Little T." I started by dragging out all my stuffed animals and puppets. Then I surrounded myself with them and just started to play. I made lots of crazy faces and laughed myself silly at the ridiculous pictures I took.

PUPPET PARTY!

In my trunk full of puppets, I have other costumes and I found my Super-Hero cape and then the real fun began.

Today's Self-Portrait helped me remember how important it is to PLAY and have fun. It also weaves very nicely into the book I'm reading right now, The Pleasure Prescription: To Love, to Work, to Play - Life in the Balance by Paul Ka’ikena Pearsall, PhD. In this wonderful book, he talks about how Americans are suffering from "DDDS," or Daily Delight Deficiency Syndrome. His prescription is more play so today's portrait is PERFECT!

Be Your Own Beloved #2

Every day, I am taking a self-portrait in conjunction with Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved e-course.

Dancing in my Studio

Today's assignment is to document what nourishes us. I have many answers to this question, including gardening, reading, lifting weights, talking with friends, kissing my husband, painting, taking a bath... the list is long. But today I decided to document myself dancing. Part of the assignment was to document a nourishing experience that we might forget about, and need reminding of later. I often forget how much I LOVE to dance. When I am feeling down or dark, often all it takes to shake myself out of my funk is to put on some of my favorite music and literally shake off the bad feelings!

This also feels like a good picture for Imbolc (which is today). Also known as "Candlemass" or the "Feast for St. Brigid," it marks the Northern Hemisphere's moment halfway between Winter & Spring. The Sun is out. The freezing weather seems to have stopped killing my plants and I'm ready to dance!

How do you nourish yourself?

Be Your Own Beloved # 1

My finger toes grabbing my kitty Vixen's furry feet.

As I continue to re-open to my creative spirit after what seems like a LONG sabbatical, I am finding a lot of power in participating in simple but daily acts of making. Sometimes it's easy for me to do, but mostly it's difficult to commit to creating something every single day. That's why classes and workshops are so great! Deadlines and fellow students to connect with, as well as a nurturing guide and teacher, has helped me find my way back to my daily, spiritual practice of making.

My first foray back into the world of daily making through taking a class was with Flora Bowley's excellent painting e-course Bloom True. I have yet to share any images of my paintings, but since you are here visiting what often feels like a bit of a lonely blog, I'll give you a sneak peek! Please remember that this painting is UNFINISHED. Just one step in the process. I do love documenting my painting process. It's amazing to see how my paintings transform over the weeks and months. I used to be afraid that I would never finish a painting if I keep layering like this. But when I start to think like that, the fear sets in and I can't lift the brush. So I'm giving myself permission to possibly NEVER finish my paintings.

unfinished painting, tentatively entitled "The Owlet"

And this particular painting is very dear to me. I cried a lot while painting this little girl. I realized it was the part of me that MISSED playing and making every day. She's been waiting for me to pick my brushes back up and return to my creative, spiritual world.

And now (starting today!), I'm taking Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved 28 Photo Day Adventure. I love her simple, lovely description of the e-course:

Be Your Own Beloved is a 28 day photo adventure designed to cultivate self-reflection and self-compassion through the practice of taking self-portraits. They say it takes 28 days to change or start a new habit, so in the month of February, you are invited to take a small yet powerful action each day to be your own beloved this February and cultivate self-love and self-care during the month that is so focused on external love.

Self-Love is a big one for me. I struggle with it, daily. So I loved Vivienne's description of this e-course. Taking a self-portrait can be so challenging! All my body issues come up. I worry that it won't be "pretty." And in fact, her first assignment asked us to take a photo exactly at the moment we read her first e-mail. But my toes aren't painted! But my kitty is chewing on my feet! But I took the photo anyway. And I love it!

 I hope that I can take a photo a day. I am really committed to this. I am also ready for what may come up to sabotage and stop me. It's all part of the process! Staying open. Staying free. Staying authentic.